Barely alive

An old friend part 40

That week went by gradually and slowly.

Every night was another night of restless sleep and wrestling with my demons that stay hidden behind the crooked shadows.

Every day I had to avoid my parents smiles and kind gestures knowing that soon they're happiness would dissolve because of me. 

In school when they eventually teach you the basics of sexual abuse to try and 'protect you' they will tell you that the child blames her parents for the abuse for letting it happen. They're right but the one thing they should teach that they never even scratch the surface of is how guilty we feel when we reveal the hell they didn't know existed. 

On the last night before I had to see the Dr again I lay awake in bed for hours tossing and turning blinking back tears that pricked at my eyes. Eventually my brain knocked me out and I fell into an uneasy sleep full of nightmares. Nearing the end of the night I had a lucid dream. These  dreams are uncommon but for me I get them frequently. For those who don't know lucid dreaming is I'll help. Lucid dreaming is when the dreamer knows that they're in the dream and to a certain degree they can control it.

In my dream that occurred that night it was different though. Most of my lucid dreams contain some degree of fear that I can't control but this one contained no fear.

I was on the top level of my house. The cream carpet beneath my feet were warm and comforted my feet. I knew it was a dream but it was extremely normal. I pondered the corridor entering each room as I had nothing else to do until my alarm woke me up. 

Part of me wished that I'd never wake up.

 That I'd pass away peacefully in my lucid dream. 

Killing myself in the dream wouldn't do shit it'd just be painful and I'd come back to life, I'd tried it before.

I settled on the floor waiting for a boring night ahead. I hated lucid dreaming. They just gave you more time to think.

I was done with thinking.

Done with everything.

I just wanted it to be over already and I'm not talking about the lucid dream.

I wanted everything to be over. I was so done. I had no hope.

I didn't understand how anyone could help me. No counselors, no drugs, nothing.

Slowly I opened my eyes as I raised my head for the first time in what felt like ages. I allowed tears to fall down my face. It didn't matter if I cried in a dream. It didn't exist. Tears are weakness. But tears in a dream didn't count surely?

Toffee. 

My best friend. 

I didn't make Toffee appear there my subconscious did it. Weirdly my subconscious was on my side. It gave me what I needed most. My best friend. 

I crawled over to Toffee as he came walking towards me.

He positioned his head to receive some fuss from me.

His fur felt so real.

Every detail about him was life like.

The softness of his fur, the colour of his eyes and fur, the way his nose was shaped. Everything.

I stroked him until my conscious was awoken by my shrieking alarm clock. 

As the hours had passed though I sat there stroking Toffee and listening to the soft noises he made. I sat pressed against the back of my bedroom door with him in my lap. Just me and him like it used to be like. I was happy.

We sat there for hours listening to each other. He purred, I talked. We knew we were safe and with that we both never wanted to wake up...