Unforgivable Lacerations

Chapter Thirty-Seven

Even though I had been sleeping for however many weeks it was, I would still happily sleep for years to come, but sadly, my body came around from unconsciousness, and I cautiously opened my eyes to see, thankfully, Alice and Edward. 

Admittedly, I was predicting opening my eyes to a different sight; I thought I would be back in Forks with the knowledge that what had all happened was a dream, and that I never escaped, I was never found, and the hope I had felt before slipping under the veil of unconsciousness was merely created by my imagination. 

But here I was, in a warm and comforting house, with the Cullens...and soon to be chucked out. 

Happy thoughts, Bella. 

"Good morning, Bella," Alice smiled, yanking the red and green tartan curtains open from across the room, allowing me to the see the beautiful sight of a frozen lake. 

"Mornin'," I replied, yawning. Instantly, I felt my internal hackles rise as I spotted Edward, of course, to fill this weird atmosphere, I lifted an eyebrow curiously. If he didn't want me, why was he in the room I was staying in? Goodness, it was awkward. Whenever I felt his presence, I would be drenched in this immense pain that cut deeper than any pain Jacob inflicted, stronger than any lingering grief in my heart and tougher than I could handle. 

I needed him right now, that was clear, but he had made it evident that I didn't belong here, that he didn't want me and I wasn't good for him. I understood that I wasn't good for anyone, I didn't belong anywhere and no one would want me. But despite my understanding, it killed me inside.

I shouldn't show emotion.

Emotion was a weakness. 

Weakness was a vulnerability. 

Showing vulnerability was like flirting with death.  

In response to my eyebrow lifting, Edward's sober face did nothing but scan my bed for the remote that controlled the bed, and rose the bed so I was sitting up. "Thanks," I murmured, wincing when my throat protested against speaking by creating a sharp pain. 

As sunlight hours were restricted in the winter, most of the light originated from the fire that cracked and snapped from beside my bed, and the wooden lamp beside me- which looked antique with its creative design, yet simplistic cream shade. 

"Would you like some breakfast?" Alice asked, tying the curtains to the side of the windows and plopping herself beside Edward on my bed. At the thought of food, something I had become used to not thinking about as it was like torture knowing I couldn't eat the delicious things I would imagine, my stomach growled. Needless to have said, I didn't blush. "Guessing from your malnourishment, we are going to have to steadily build your portion levels up. Otherwise, you'll puke it all up." I nodded, knowing what I had to do while ignoring the hunger pains that jarred in my stomach and filled my head with a dizziness that sleeping couldn't stop. 

"How small was your portion size, Bella, in Forks?" Alice asked, rising to her feet. 

"Slice of bread a day, fruit if I was lucky," I answered nonchalantly, seeing nothing wrong with my usual plate. Some people had nothing to eat, therefore, I deemed myself lucky. I saw Edward stiffen at my answer, his breath hitched. I couldn't continue looking at him, not even from the corner of my eye, knowing, knowing he didn't want me. He didn't love. 

It hurt so much. A dagger to the heart. 

Make it stop! 

My scorned heart was screaming, a blood-curdling scream, warning me that someone I loved was next to me and that I needed to close myself off from them. Shut myself off. I couldn't allow them to make their way into my heart only to leave again. However, my mind thought differently from my heart as I already loved the Cullens, they were already carved into my heart.