Diary Of Feelings

Too Late

Everybody keeps talking about you these days. I don't know if it's bothering me or if it's good for me. In a way, finally getting to talk about what I keep thinking about is good, then on the other side it's just bringing more memories of you and how much of a coward you are.

I don't think I'll ever stop saying that everywhere I can. Because it's true.. Because you deserve it.. Because it makes me feel like I'm finally aware of who you are.

I went through your pictures last night. I couldn't stay away. I was afraid.. Afraid of who you are.. Afraid of that smile you make for every picture.. That smirk.. And that look.. Everything that makes you look innocent. Like you could hurt nobody.

But you hurt me.. More then anyone could ever hurt me... You shattered the picture I had of you.. And it was such a nice picture daddy.. I saw you like a great father who loves me, cares for me.. A daddy that would do anything for his little girl.. I was ready to fight them all.. Say they were wrong about you.. Scream at them for saying the truth.

The painful but real fact that you can only be my father and nothing more.. A man who decided to have a child and then liked some random ...... And think it was just fine to leave me without a father figure when I needed it the most.. Leave me without what I couldn't live without..

You made me survive and what doesn't kill me better not find me again. So that's what I hope you'll be smart enough to do.. Stay away, until I find a way to cover up the hole you were supposed to fill.. Tell myself to be brave and smart, and learn how to use weapons and how to see through bad people and how to choose the right man.. All by my self.

Cause somebody's got to take over your jobs.. While you enjoy the company of a woman who almost killed my strenght and turned me into just another you. A mindless wreck ready for her to use when she needs you..

You really had to threaten me in that last e-mail right? I tried the nice way, and I tried the bad way but you wouldn't listen.. Because you see me as a little brat that doesn't know a thing about life..

But I know a lot more.. You thought me about pain and how to cry 5 nights in a row about a selfish jerk who doesn't deserve to even be looked at or thought of, you thought me how to fight against myself to not tell you I need you.. Tell you I miss the nights when we sang together, when we made pancakes together, when you thought me how to make perfect popcorns and I would try almost every night and how you showed me how to help you with work, and when I went on a coffee with you and drank water only because I didn't care about what I drank I cared about being there with you while I still can.. And How I would wake up in the middle of the night to say goodbye to you as you went to work for 6+ months.. And I would cry in front of you at first.. Then I learned how to controle it and I would cry when I'm alone in my room..

And do you remember when I put those lucky horses of ours in your suitcase so they keep you safe and then you told me you would throw them off the ship because they're no worth just because you were mad at me over some stupid thing...

I was a goddamn kid for gods sake you can't say that to a kid that loved you more than anything in a whole white world moron...

But I guess signs were all over the place I was just so blinded to notice them.. And now I do.. and now it hurts the most.. It's not the night that ruins people.. It's the feelings that you feel most comfortable letting out when it's dark and not even the love of your life sleeping next to you can hear you screaming and tearing inside because of something they can't understand.

You can't blame them.. So you just hug them and on one side you wish they wake up and hold you tight, but on the other you pray they don't so they don't have to see you so weak.

A/N
Happy birthday father.