Diary Of Feelings

Giving You Up

I said all I had to to you tonight.. almost everything that bothers me about you.. it was freezing cold but I didn't care.. cause as my body temperature was dropping so was any emotion I held for you.. care, concern..

I looked towards you like a younger brother.. I wanted you to do better.. to be better.. be the better man.. but you just wouldn't listen no matter how loud I said it..

I tried to tell you everything you needed to know to change for the better.. every advice that I never got.. no one ever told me "do this for that reason and it will be amazing for you" no! I had to work my ass off and go through a wall when the door was right next to me just because I didn't know they existed..

I've told you a million times that your door is right next to you.. and you know what you did? You stayed in that room.. you never even left it.. you never upgraded to another room.. though the door, window or the wall.. you never felt the need to change that room for a better one..

I feel nothing now.. I felt the need to help you and pull you out of the mess you got yourself into.. but not after tonight.. you will never change.. my dad was right about you after all.. you're nobody.. you can only pull me down and I'm only going up now..  I have no more time to be pulled down..

I want change, I wanna be a better person, employee, wife, mother someday.. I want to improve myself.. I cut off so many people way better than you.. so why would you be an exception.. you're the tick that I've allowed to suck on my blood  for the longest period.. I've carried you for 11 years.. I'm not gonna do that any more..

I couldn't let myself fail.. my pride wouldn't let me fail when it comes to you.. I was too proud to admit to myself that I can't help you.. all this time.. but tonight you chose the outcome.. we could've talked for a few hours and solved some things for you..

But you were tired, sleepy.. you didn't give a shit about what I had to say because I'm not her.. I'm not your stupid little girlfriend who does one thing good for you and that is spreading legs.. nothing else.. she knows you what? A month or two? And now she knows you better than I do.. I piss on that..

But I don't care any more.. she can do whatever she wants along with you and all your stupid friends who are 5 years younger than you and all of a sudden know what life is (lmao) ..

I have a husband who couldn't be better and more perfect towards me, who takes such good care of me and who probably waited for me tonight until he fell asleep.. but I was trying one last time to change your mind.. I have a good job and an amazing boss.. I have a good life that I've build up for myself and you can rott in what you've been in for the past 20 years of your miserable life..

There is nothing I can do about it.. but I hope you will remember my words.. not tomorrow maybe or not in a month or a year.. but in 20 or 50 years you will recall some of the thing I've said to you.. you will and you'll try to find me maybe.. talk to me.. "catch up on things".. but at that point we won't have anything to talk about..

I'll have kids then, live a different life, enjoying long rides, visiting my friends, working and going out.. there will be no more place for you when you (if you) do come around..

"And I know,
There's no light thats left to shine,
There's no wrong and there's no right,
So enough.
I'm giving you up. "