Diary Of Feelings

Eulogy

I've always known that there will come a day... someone will call and say that you will be gone. It was a thought I'd bring up every now and then but succesfully avoided most of the time.. 

There was a time.. I was much younger.. And I can't recall most of my childhood.. But some of the memories I still have are in front of that house.. I remember holding your leg and begging you to not let me go home. My eyes filled with terror for I knew you had to.. I remember your eyes filling with tears every time.. 

I remember how, while you were cooking lunch, you would give me a small pot and a knife.. some salad and I would clean it and slice it.. add some water and you'd cook it.. we threw it in the trash every time but it played a huge part in my life cause it was the beginning of my love for cooking..

Lately I haven't been coming to that house much.. It used to hold so many fond memories, but it's no longer my happy place.. I have to pretend there to be someone I'm not.. I don't want to hurt you cause I'm well aware of your dissaproval of my tattoos and the fact that I smoke.

I mostly come there to see you.. seems like I knew something was up since I was there very often this summer.. I just had this feeling I needed to come there whenever I would come from my work.. 

Lately I've realized that we don't have much to talk about.. as much as that hurts me I know that when you're gone I'll be missing you.. just sitting next to you and talking about something dumb like the reacent weather changes..

I don't know if I should tell you about my wedding.. I know it's gonna be pretty soon but I doubt you'll live to see it.. god knows how much time you have.. maybe a month or two at best.. and that means you will just miss it..

I always used to tell you that we'll go together to pick a wedding dress for me.. how I won't go without you.. You never said you'd go and reminded me of the fact that you don't have that much time.. I guess you could feel it coming too.. 

I'd like to talk to you about so many things.. just to tell you everything I ever wanted you to hear.. But that would do more harm than good.. that would be the most selfish thing I'd ever do in my life.. I'd feel like using you to get everything off of my chest and that would probably kill me..

(Finishing this part after a few months)

You died exactly one month before my wedding.. the very next day I started smoking in that house.. I go there even less after you passed.. the call I got from your daughter to tell me the news was the worst thing ever.. I answered her with a laugh but it was so late at night I had to know it was about you.. it froze me.. the words that came out of my speaker...

I'm sorry.. for everything.. and I miss you..