Diary Of Feelings

Not All Of Us

Our society believes that everyone has some weakness. Some weak spot that they can not make as strong as other spots. After making it real they started using it. Every human has it's own choice and own mistakes. Some of them don't need any more, some want more.

But there is one kind of people who give you no choice. They make groups of people and they treat them all as one. So for example, if majority of girls are easy in their eyes all are. If majority of people in one town are stupid, all are. If majority of underage people are just asking for fun and one night stands, all are.

And there are always people who stand out. Who don't like not being aware of the problems, who don't allow themselves to be easy, who try to make their weak spots stronger. Those are the people who are not comfortable in most places nor with most people.

I dare say I feel like that. Because these days a guy and a girl can't be friends. Either one of them falls for the other or one of them kicks the other.

I like having guys for friends. They are more reliable than girls. They give me way less drama and I can feel relaxed there, I know I don't have to think about what I say or do.

But when I meet new people I can always see how it's gonna turn out. Teenage guys will pretend they're smart and important, older guys will never have time for you 'cause they're "working" and the guys even older than them are just looking for a good chick to refresh their memory of how it was twenty years ago for them, no kids nor wife just being free and hooking up with whoever said yes.

And that freaks me out, not because they want that but because there are no boundaries. They don't know how to stop or say no they just keep forcing it and it bothers me because even if the girl has a boy she loves and would marry in a heart beat they keep forcing their need.

They are just a walking love ruiners for me.. They make you want to cheat, make you want to do everything you don't want.. And I'm glad I learned how ti say "no" on smaller mistakes.

I can be a friend to anyone, I'd like to believe that I'm a good friend and that people would like to have me as a friend. But when I meet these kind of people I loose my nervs in a matter of seconds and I start shaking because the adrenalin kicks in and my mind rushes with ideas of what kick hurts the most and how to punch and how to concentrate and what to do after.

I hate it when people touch me.. I hate anyone touching me but him, and so does he. I don't want to ruin his life by asking for trouble. And I see his jealosy kicking in when I tell him another has touched me, even if it's just my leg or cheek.

And I love it that it bothers him. That means he sees me as his and doesn't want to share an inch of me.

But I'm a trained disaster. I try to be calm but it's boring and slow. I like meeting new people just to see how others think, what they do in certain situations. But I'd also like to believe that I'm strong enough to defend myself from anyone.

I love having those moments with him when I try to win in the pushing game but I know he's stronger than me in that. Maybe I lose because I'm careful not to hurt him, not to kick him or scratch him. But I always plan on how would I do it if it was for real. If people really didn't respect my choice to not give myself to them. And I know I wouldn't choose the way to keep my promise.

But what scares me the most is not that moment, it's not a fight or anything like that. It's that moment before it all starts. The moment when you don't know if it's the right signal to go or if they'll stop. But I guess they'll have to get over not getting under me.

There are some people who are not like that. Who don't want just sex or don't need to show how smart they are. They just wanna have fun... Laugh.. Enjoy the moment.. And those friends of mine are the ones I want to hang out for hours with and I know I won't get bored. I just rest my mind and trust them because I know I can, because they're not a coward. Because they respect me.

A/N
A chapter about how my town works xD and a new character.. My best friend I like to call poopy.