Diary Of Feelings

Welcome Old Friend

Like everyone else, I have also found myself in the position of losing someone close to me. Someone I love. Weather it's a close friend or someone I was emotionally involved with it's always the same. I can't get those final words out. I try to do so every time. I try to make a rude comment or to tell them how I feel, how idiotic they are for many reasons but I can't.

I can't for two reasons. First one is because I always think I won't be able to express myself the way I want to. I get the feeling that the person I'm talking to wont understand what I'm saying the way I see it in my head.

Second reason is because I know I won't change anything. If someone is abusive their whole life they won't stop just because I told them to do so. Same applies to those who are liars, cheaters,idiots...

I've had this friend. I found myself in a foreign town. She was my only company there and we were so close. I called her my sister, I wanted her to be my 'best woman' at the wedding even. But I made a mistake. One decision that didn't affect her that much but it affected me on so many levels. She didn't let me explain, she stopped talking to me, she promised me something she couldn't do. She said she'd always be there through thick and thin but she was nowhere to be found when the first problem arrived. And I know this type of people, I just never saw it coming from her. She seemed so sure of herself when she promised. Then we didn't speak for awhile and her boyfriend sort of stood between us. I would have to ask him to talk to her which I hated but then again I started hanging out with him more and more but that's another story. So I stopped hearing from my 'best woman'. We would exchange few words every 6-12 months.. I miss her being around.

I've had this friend. I needed a person I could tell everything to. He was sort of always around and we would go for long walks by the river and talk about some silly sick jokes and make fun of people, solve a few problems and tell each other new ones. He seemed like a good guy back then. Then I made another mistake that, again, had nothing to do with him. So we sat down and talked, I told him my side of the story to find out that the guy I made this mistake with has told him a different story. Which is, again, a different story to tell. So bottom line we both agreed that the guy I made this mistake with is an idiot, that he is disgusting and not worthy of our attention. After that night my friend started working in a bar. He didn't tell me that he got the job. I found out by looking at the picture of him and a bunch of people including the 'disgusting' guy drinking and celebrating. I pointed that out when we had a conversation but he brushed it off saying he showed up uninvited (but he could send him away or tell him he's not welcome there at any point). So I stopped hanging out with him because I felt played and betrayed by my friend. After that he went to another country to go to a collage. After few months I saw him posting pictures with the 'disgusting' guy saying in the comments stuff like 'bro' and shit. That crushed me. I told this guy stuff I didn't tell anyone else. It was him who I called when I was sad or had a problem.

I've had this guy. We dated for a very long time. But that's such a long story. The moments that I remember now are only the bad ones. Maybe because I didn't love him. I felt pity towards him. I couldn't bare his tears every time I tried to leave him. But even after he betrayed me and lied to me uncountable number of times I stuck around. I was still there. He was the person who knew me so well. I couldn't lose such a person at that time in my life. So after we finally broke up I started dating the guy I loved for a year before we started dating. I love him so mush that it's unbearable. I'd like to think he's the one. So he was working this one day and I went to my ex boyfriends place, because we were still very good friends. And bottom line I made a mistake. I almost lost my boyfriend for that. And after some time of crying every time my boyfriend would touch me I found the power to put it behind me. That's when thins got really bad. He lied. He lied to me and to my friend. He made up a whole different scenario of what happened that day and that again put my relationship to the test. I watched him sitting right next to me, lying about it and it took me a damn mountain of self control to not kill him right their. After that he took away my friend from me and I haven't heard from him or seen him since.

I've had this friend. We went to same high school together for two years. We had sleepovers and we studied together and we talked every day for hours. I was there when her boyfriend tried to rape her, I protected her and stood up for her in front of a much stronger guy than me but I was still willing to try. I was there when her 'BFF' told every single secret of hers to everyone. Then she met this guy, a womanizer. All of a sudden I couldn't find her alone for a minute. He would call all the time, he would text her, he would come to her house, they would go out to a club at night and they would come together to my house. I hated it. He was so fake that it was noticeable from a thousand miles. So once again, I was there for her when he hurt her. I was there when she couldn't stop crying, I was there when she fainted because of freaking out. I'd come to her house at 12 am just to help her fall asleep after they would give her the injection to stop freaking out. Then I distanced myself from her. I saw that she wasn't gonna break up with him no matter how bad he hurt her. And I didn't want that guy in my life so I had to let go of her. She would come to my house late at night crying and lost. I would hear her out but I'd always say the same thing ''I told you long ago he's bad for you and I'm not gonna help you with him anymore.'' She never listened to my advice. Not that I expected her to. And she hasn't contacted me in a while, she sent a message for New Year and Christmas but nothing more. Her mom wants us to be cool again but I've made up my mind. I just think that I didn't deserve to, after everything, come second. But of course, he's the one penetrating her so I guess that's how things work today.

I hate making the same mistake all over again with every person I care about. I make it all about them. They are important to me so I convince them that I'm gonna be there when they need help and they believe me and I do it when I get the chance. But my mind thinks that if I'm ready to jump for someone, they're ready to jump for me too. So stupid. Everyone cares only about their own good. No one is going to be there when I'm feeling down or when I'm hurt or if someone hits me. I'm all alone in that and that hurts like ... like hell itself. But that's the price I pay for my mistakes.

I've decided to change. I've decided to only have friends who are capable of taking care of themselves and who won't affect me in any way. So we can go for a coffee, we can talk, we can go for a walk, have fun, but don't expect me to tell you anything private about myself or to share my problems with you. And don't tell me your problems nor call me when your having a bad day. Cause I don't give a damn.

A/N

Since most of my parts are about only one person I've decided to write this one that applies to my former friends.