Diary Of Feelings

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Dear you,

You may never get to read this chapter but I wanted to tell you this for a long time now, I just didn't have guts to do it. I'm scared of your opinion on anything I have to say, and that's your doing. However I have to get this out of my system. That's why I have this diary anyways.

I hate who you are. I hate what you've became. I think we're so much alike somewhere deep inside. The problem is that every person has 5% of their personality reserved for reactions to certain moments. For example if I get hurt I won't learn from it and I'll continue making the same mistake more times than I care to admit. You on the other hand will make sure you never make the same mistake again. The problem with that is that you turned into the person who hurt you and now you hurt others in a similar way.

You didn't tell me a lot about her but I'm not blind. She did quite some damage on you. She crushed you real good. And I can see you suffering and still craving for her love. The problem is that you feed on causing other girls pain for one girls mistake. 

You're one year older than me. Yet you act as if you're 30 years older, as if you're better than me in everything I do. Not only do but think. You can't have a smarter opinion. It's a choice that shows you what kind of a person someone is. If I'm against cheating and you're not than I can't be smarter than you nor can you be smarter than me. It only shows us what kind of a soul you are/ I am. 

It's also not a sin if I make a mistake. If I don't know some stupid answer or if I don't know what something is. It's impossible to know everything in this world. I'm not bragging when I say that I know and understand a lot of things better than most of my generation. Can you be satisfied with anything?

I see how you look at them. I see how you treat them. Like things. Like they don't matter. They are just numbers in your head. They're not even names anymore, just numbers. You don't know what feelings are unless they're yours. You feel no remorse when you say something offending, when you hurt someone. Whenever I hurt someone I can't function inside. 

But that's just who you are. That's who you want others to believe you are. But you didn't outsmart me. You could've but either you chose not to or by a mistake showed me. Either way I saw the real you. The boy who's been through some stuff, who got burned terribly because he was naive. You showed me how nice and caring and normal you can be. How sweet and dear you are. But every time something reminded you of how someone caused you pain, played you, hurt you, you'd have like a flashback moment and than you'd tear that whole picture down. You'd hurt me with every syllable that fell from your mouth, every word I read from the messages you sent me, every insult thrown my way for no reason at all. 

We had 3 stages of ''friendship'' if I can even call it that. 

1st. The only subject we we're allowed to talk about were motorcycles or we wouldn't be talking at all

2nd. We would talk about everything and anything except motorcycles.

3rd. We weren't talking at all.

The first one is the painless one of all. We would talk every day whole day. We would argue a little and I laughed a lot during that period.The second one was after a fight and for some reason you just stopped mentioning motorcycles. It was the most painful one because you judged me on everything you possibly could and I never let a single tear out but that meant only more pain. There were some moments where I couldn't breath because it felt like someone stabbed me with a knife right through my chest and lungs. After a lot of pain and fear after I send each message I decided it was enough. I was sick of your games. That's where the numbness starts. I had to ignore your texts or to answer them as short as possible and move on. I stared at the green circle next to your name more than I can count and waited for a message even tho I wouldn't answer on it. 

Now it's been a long time since we spoke last but you follow my every move. You even let me know you do by liking my posts and seeing my story frequently. I never asked much of you. Just friends, I wanted you to have someone you could be yourself with, the way you were when we met. I wanted you to keep telling me thing. Like you told me what you dislike about yourself and how you function and how you talk and all these little tings that, when put together, started giving me a clearer picture of you.

And that's what you are. You're a little child trying to survive by pretending to be a grown up cold idiot. You think so high of yourself and so little of others. You're egoistic. So keep that picture up but I'm proud of myself. I saw right through you.

A/N

I've been trying to write this part for  month now. I completed it than deleted it quite a few times but now I feel like this chapter of my life is over and won't change so I don't have to rewrite it anymore. xx