Diary Of Feelings

Devil In My Church

It has been the longest time since I last found something new to enjoy in. Every joy I had in doing things by now has been taken away by someone or something. And eventually after some time people give up when something constantly doesn't go like it should, right? The definition of insanity it's called. 

I have found something recently that brings me so much joy. I have found 10 people and a rather small room that saves me almost every day. I walk for 5 minutes to get there and then after I reach it, when I walk down a dark hall and in the pitch black find a doorknob, it's like I walk into another universe. Their smiles light up the room and fill my heart. The smell of cigarettes fills the air and everyone's talking and greeting me in their own special way. It feels like home. 

When I enter that room it's as if I've entered sacred ground. I leave everything right there in that dark hallway. I leave my family problems, my school, my negative emotions, people I dislike, everything that happened and has yet to happen. I just feel like nothing can hurt me when I'm in there. Nothing bad can happen to me. It's my Church.

Well...I guess that definition of insanity I talked about earlier is... well.. never wrong. It was an ordinary day when it all started. And I believe you were the beginning of the end. I had a bad day. I couldn't wait to get there. To let the sound of electric guitars, his voice, drums and bass fill my ears and erase everything from mind. It was half way through the rehearsal when you walked in. You just so casually walked in like one would in their own house. But each step you took shattered me. I felt so betrayed by everyone in that room. I knew that at least one of them had to know you were coming. And they let me fall apart right there. You didn't say a word to me...you didn't have to. 'Cause you were the devil in my church. You took down the spell that I put on that room. And there was no way to take it back. After that I was broken and pissed and I couldn't talk to the person that means to me the most from that group because of their own problems that I didn't want to only make bigger. 

After that day I calmed down a bit. I made peace with the fact that there was nothing I could do to change the fact that there will always be a dog I fed that's coming back to bite me.  I decided to celebrate my birthday with these people I started to love not so long ago. And everything was going fine. They said that the whole gig was in the name of my birthday and later they sang the song I wrote and it was beautiful and I was out of my mind. I felt so vulnerable and my heart was filled with love and happiness and I just couldn't take it.. It was so perfect. Then we went back to that room of ours after the gig and I screamed down the halls. I was so hyped. They were a bit down because there was a small number of people that showed up. After that we all drank some alcohol and they all hugged me and wished me a happy birthday again and then sang me a birthday song. I felt like I was among family..not friends. I felt so loved and it was out of this world. And then someone let two devils in my ,already filthy, church. They were both drunk as hell, they were everything I tried to save them from. And at that moment I wanted to burn everyone who didn't belong in that room. Everyone but those 10 people.. those 10 family members. But I didn't. 

I drank more alcohol and I tried to forget. I tried to forget everyting. How bad life was. How I can't have anything for myself. How there will always be someone to mess it up for me. How the only sacred place I used to have that I could call 'home' I no longer have. How I will leave soon and fall out of lives of those people. 

I've been thinking for a few days.. about should I write about this or not.. is the beginning of the end worth mentioning here after everything.But then I've realised that this is what I made this book for. And you diserve to be mentioned here. Because even tho I was done with you, you had to come there and mess with my emotions once more. 

A/N

I'll use you as a warnin sign

That if you talk enough sense then you'll lose you're mind.