Diary Of Feelings

White sheets

A/N

~ To not confuse you I'll give fake names to people from this part.

I remember walking in a foreign classroom.. They all laughed at me. I overheard them talking about some guy who was gonna come tomorrow and support their bullying. The next day when you came to school they whispered something to you and you laughed.. Then you defended me. You were the only one from that class who I thought was normal. 

Then high school came. I saw you again and thought how now it's gonna be different. But you were nice to me. Then I started hanging out with your friends... Juliet and Enrique...  and they were so good to me. And you were so dear to me even tho you didn't know it. I may have been cold and distant and seemed strange.. but I was no different from you.. Being chased by the ghosts of my past..

You had the most beautiful eyes on this planet.. I used to try to look at them as more as possible.. They really were special.. brown-red on the inside and blue-green on the outside.. I can't explain those beautiful colors.. I searched for hours last night.. scrolled down countless pictures of eyes just to find ones that remind me of yours.. but I failed..

You never hugged me.. not once.. and I still miss that. I always thought that you will leave this world doing something amazing.. I never thought you'd die as an old man with wife and family ... you're not that kind of a man.. But I can't believe you left us...left me.. in such a way... It's a death I don't want anyone to have..

We were in school that morning.. laughing and joking and being nervous because we didn't study enough... The next class was P.E. so we skipped it and went for a coffee.. I remember you talking to Enrique.. you were laughing and joking.. enjoying your coffee..That is my last memory of you.. alive.

It was 6PM and I had a meeting in that same caffe bar. I came earlier to save us a booth. I didn't eat anything that day so I bought myself a slice of pizza and I noticed 3 missed calls on Viber from my friends. I called Vanna and she was crying. I asked what happened and I was ready for everything. I was ready to hear her telling me her boyfriend abused her again, I was ready to hear she broke something, I was ready to hear that she fought with her father.. But the words that came trough my phone were ''Ian Peterson died '' and my whole body went numb. I couldn't move, I could barely speak... I thought it was some kind of a joke.. When I got off the phone with her I called Juliet.. She picked up the phone crying, barely able to breath.. I asked her what's going on and she said '' I need to tell you something..'' 

That's when it hit me.. this is real.. this is happening.. Ian died.. but it couldn't be.. We were drinking coffee that very morning.. One can not pass away if we were great few hours ago.. 

I was trying to stay sane.. I ran to the first taxi I saw and told him to drive me to Juliet. By the time I got there the taxi driver told me everything about Ian's death.. How there was 4 of them in the car, how they hit a street lamp and then their car rolled over a few times.. 

I ran to Juliet's arms, she was barely alive there, we cried together for a few minutes and then called Enrique.. he was in front of the hospital, waiting for any kind of news..Soon I joined him. There were over 50 students waiting for some kind of news about you.. And there was nothing. Being the most curious person there I went in.. I found the doors from the hall you were in but I couldn't go in... And then my whole world turned upside down.. The doors opened and two doctors pulled a portable bed between them.. It was a dead body under a white sheet.. It was your body under a sheet. You were gone.. 

I couldn't stop crying, I ran outside and hugged Enrique... I told him I saw your body and I could see all the hope he had disappear in his eyes. He was done...and so was I. I can't usually cry in front of a lot of people.. I cried there.. I couldn't stop.. I was shaking and I was imploding right there.. I felt such pain and weakness.. I couldn't do anything.. I couldn't help you.. And if I could I would switch places with you at any moment... You deserve to live.. Ian you only began living and you just let go.. of everything..

Later we found out that your neck was broken, that your ribs were broken too.. and your ear was cut off.. you were also full of glass and they barely recognized you...What kind of a death is that? But even if you did survive... you wouldn't want to live like that.. I know you wouldn't..

I went to your funeral .. walking into the classroom that day was the worst.. Juliet and I just sat and cried there.. We would look towards your empty chair and break down.. She would scream and that would make it even worse for me.. Your mom called out for you to stand from your casket.. we all brought you white roses.. and then they started lowering you into your eternal home.. Everyone broke down at that moment.. All of your friends, family, your girlfriend.. you could only hear sobbing, screaming.. 

I know that funerals are for the living.. but I couldn't live with myself if I didn't come there.. I never got the chance to be close to you.. I thought I had enough time.. I didn't. I just hope that you will miss us as much as we miss you.. we gather in my house every day.. we're stoned, drunk, some of us are on pills.. 

I still can't believe you're gone and it will take a month or so to let it sink in.. but once it does I'm afraid that I'll go insane.. Oh how I wish for one more kiss, one more word, one more glance, one more....

A/N

This is why I did the tattoo that I did.. The quote from book Allegiant... Because once you lose someone, especially if you lose them this quick, you can't stop wishing for one more contact with that person..

R.I.P    I... P......