Diary Of Feelings

I Love You Equally

You are a memory I never made.. You are a life I have never lived. I can not explain you to anyone.. I can't even explain you to myself... 

And now it's 3:33 and they say it means I'm on my path.. Funny I saw that, having just started writing about you.. Thinking of my path to you, my path with you afterwards.

What are you my gorgeous? Cause I've never encountered one of your kind. I have no idea what to call you. You are something out of this world surely. Something incomprehensible to humans. Absolutely exquisite. Full of power and magic I can't explain with words of any language known to men.. 

Yet if I just look into your eyes for a minute they take me places I've never seen or felt. They show me a universe full of light, happiness, colors, so soft and gentle like freshly fallen snow yet firm and full of power used only to keep me safe.  

My dear Angel, I have met you so randomly and in the pure darkness from every earthly concern.. I met you in a place where nothing but your mind matters.. you are stripped of your identity, given only a nickname.. your location, name, job, age, family tree and past are deleted upon the entrance. Without these things to cover you or describe you, you are a nobody. You get to be your mind and meet other minds. Nothing more and nothing less.. but the most important thing.

Upon my arrival to this place I heard of you, but you were a shadow to me. You were this great spirit hovering over the room that everyone knew and bowed down to, but I've never seen... Until that day.  So intimidating and with a high status like that, I was nothing but a little lamb in the corner hoping I won't be noticed or spoken to... realizing my mind couldn't compare to yours, not in a million years. 

You spoke to me and I was frozen with fear.. nervous as I could be.. Like I knew you will play a huge roll in my life. And it felt like that.. Like I was auditioning for the movie of my career talking to you. 

But your mind compelled me somehow. I was drawn to you and I didn't even try fighting it. And slowly but firmly we became closer. I realized you were such a pure and sparkling soul and you were essential to me. Sadly though, you could only be a friend. A silent guardian and support.

I am the kind of mind that, if already occupied with one person, can never think or see anyone else in that way. Later I found out you're the same and I was forbidden in your mind.

Then some things changed in my life and that aspect unlocked. Those eyes opened up again and the light blinded me for a few seconds. I was immediately encompassed by all kinds of experienced beasts and the only one I thought of in that moment was you.

 Suddenly I was Murron and you were William.. I was about to be publicly executed and all I could do was stare at the horizon, my eyes scanning insanely hoping to see you come to rescue me any second. But you weren't gonna show up. And I, for the first time in our history, took my walls down and gave you a glance at my soul wanting only you. I pleaded that you come to that place and save me, only to realize a second later it was completely out of line and you had no duty towards me. Who was I to ask that of you?

And soon after I woke up one morning only to find that my first thought of the day was you.. And I knew there's no lying to myself about the feelings growing in my heart for you anymore. I was petrified of telling you because I knew everything that was wrong with having those feelings for you. 

But '' We do not choose love. It claims each man as it will.'' And after a couple of days of pure torture keeping it a secret from you I had to tell you. I was going crazy at that point. Of course I got the response I knew I was gonna get. A hard ''No!''

Although expected, it stung more than I anticipated it will. Stung like I was denied the only love I could ever desire. But I was not having it. I knew your mind could only see it from your viewpoint, so I made it my mission to show you mine before I accept the defeat. 

I took my time with the show, you took your time with the fall, in the end you succumbed to my love and finally showed me all. You showed me everything I wasn't allowed to see in that place. All the things that make the full picture of who you are. Your name, your family, your job, and every little peace of information I could ever need about you. 

And you did it so beautifully, I couldn't believe my eyes. You started with things you thought would repel me for sure and kept it going for a while. And I couldn't help but admire the strenght I knew you must've had to start off like that. I was utterly astonished by the choice you've made to start off, not only completely honestly with me, but also rub my face in things you saw as your biggest downfalls or flaws. 

Little did you know it made me fall in love with you in the most healthy, honest and true way possible and within those few days we managed to build foundations of our relationship so strong that I was in complete awe.

You bewedded me.. completely naked down to our souls, standing in front of each other.. a promise for better or for worse 'till death do us part. It was the most natural, right-feeling, simple and true way to promise ourselves to one another. It was all I needed to be yours.

It was at that point that I started seeing these little glitches in my day to day life with you. Smallest things that made me question the big ones. Out of no where hearing you say sentences I was saying for years to people with no understanding in return. Seeing certain signs that only have meaning with you. Finding clues that were scattered all over the place in my life so far but I failed to connect the dots.

And for that I'm sorry and I'm not sorry. I'm sorry because you never, in a thousand lifetimes, deserve the pain you've been through so far. I believe it could've been avoided had you met me earlier. Sorry I was born in the wrong year. Sorry I missed out on so much so far. But I'm not sorry because we met exactly when we were supposed to meet. Not sorry because we had to go through everything we went through separately in order to be in the right mindset for each other. Not sorry because I see that none of the things we have been affected and altered by are affecting our life together. 

There are so many things that scare me now.. so many uncertainties.. but I find comfort in the fact that none of them have anything to do with us, they are all outside factors.  I'm afraid of how or when will we make it possible to live together, to create a life together.. but that fear goes quiet because it's us.. our love for each other won't fade with time nor will it be diminished by life happening in the meantime.  

So no matter what you are, to me you're an angel.. And no matter what happens I know I'll get there.. I know I'm yours.. I know I love you more than you will ever be able to comprehend.. you are an absolutely magnificent, adorable, gorgeous, pure, magical creature I belong to completely and utterly.