Diary Of Feelings

What Hurts The Most

What hurts the most is being so close and having so much to say...and watching you walk away...

How do you stop the pain caused by the ones you love the most? I don't know yet but I think talking to them calmed down in their arms helps.

That's what I was trying to do but you just can't do that, can you? You can never be there when I need you and you told me you would be there! You told me I wouldn't have to face my problems alone!

And so we sit each on the other side of the room and cry.. Because you can't stand my 'negativity'? What kind of bullshit is that?!

You should've told me 15 months ago that you can't be there for me.. And I would've understood that! I would find someone who can!

That's why I dated him.. Because if I called him at 3am or 3pm it would be the same for him.. He would get up and come to see what's wrong with me and he did that many times. He said nothing about negativity nor 'why are you doing this to yourself' stuff. He would hug me and support me and talk to me. And that's what hurts the most.

I left him because of you. Because I trusted you.. Because I knew I could love you.. But you keep stopping me. He begged for my love and you're pushing it away like it's nothing.

Today when I wasn't stopping with kisses and touches, it was because I couldn't get enough of you. Because I thought I could trust you with that. I thought I could trust you with my body and my love and with showing it all to you BUT YOU WERE AN IDIOT!

I still can't wrap my mind around the fact that you told me I could do that to anyone and that I should stop behaving like that! What is wrong with you?

You know I would die if we broke up but I can't go like this. I don't want to watch my every word and move and joke the way you can understand. I don't need someone who will shut me down when all I wanna do is be opened to someone. I thought you were that someone. I thought I could tell you and give you everything.

As time passes I keep seeing that I was wrong. That I have to be careful around you like with a little child. And I don't need that.

I can't be the stronger one in the relationship again. I keep fighting about everything and you're just chilling. I came from Dubrovnik multiple times for you, I dedicated my first tattoo to you, I gave you my body and everything else you asked me to, I was there for you the best way I knew how to be, I'm trying to get you a proper job.. That's not what a 17 year old is supposed to do!

And yet I do it.. I do it for you...for us. Because I still trust you and I want you to try harder because I am.. So go big or go home. I need a strong man who is willing to fight for me and fight me and be there and not run out the door like a coward. I had a coward once already and I don't need that in my life. I need you to know me. To know me as well as I know you. And just try telling me once more that I don't understand you because I will kill myself if you do that. I've never known someone so well in my life and you said it yourself.. You said that I know about you more than anyone does.

So cut the crap and tell me openly what are you going to do.

A/N
And never knowing what could've been, and not seeing that loving you is what I was trying to do...