Diary Of Feelings

Fighter

I was born different. My parents told me how I never mineded playing alone in the sand when I wouldn't fit in with other kids. I never needed to be entertained. I guess nothing has changed.

I always thought I was needed somewhere.. Someone else was needing me and I couldn't bare the though of sitting at home while someone was falling apart. But I've never been in more pieces than during that time.

I remember not sleeping,showering nor eating.. I drank around 7 coffees a day. Every coffee a different set of problems, a different person and much needed advice.

My fiancé not seeing me for days, sometimes weeks.. even when we would meet I'd be smelling like an ashtray and sweat and almost falling asleep, angry for no reason and either wishing for a fight or just about to crash.

I hung out with so many different kinds of people .. from book bugs, geeks, smokers, drug users, "cool girls" , artists, bikers to online friends from all around the world. I tried to balance it all, be there for everyone...

And I believe I was.. I would like to think I was a good friend.. but I know for a fact that during that period I was a bad sister, the worst girlfriend and a terrible friend to myself. I ignored the most important people in my life who were there for me no matter how bad I treated them.

I gave all my attention to people who couldn't care less about me and used people who cared to help them.. and it's all my fault.. I showed them they could.. it was like showing someone an unlocked bank with no guards.. even the richest would steal at least one coin just because.

A few months back I realized that one of my dearest friends was a two face.. she let me down in the worst way and damn did it hurt.. but it was worth it because she was an eye opener.  I realized I didn't need these people.. i realized I've forgotten about my ambitions and ideas and dreams and my own future in the whole process of enshuring theirs was on the right path..

Once I came back home I swore on silence.. cause you know how they say.. everything you say can and will be used against you.. I found it very true on my own skin and decided that if words can be so powerful but they are meaningless coming from my mouth I shall not use them any more..

First few days they asked me why, pushed me, kicked me lightly, thinking I was in some kind of a trance.. after that they all stopped and than every word I was forced to say was repeated and held so much meaning. Than she spoke to me.. attacked me for repeating her words about someone else.. she screamed and my whole body was on fire.. my mind clouded.. my heart beating out of my chest.. I don't know how I managed to restrain myself from beating her.. i needed that badly..but I let her.. that time.

And here I am now.. spending hours with my fiancé every day and making memories traveling and camping in the nature, watching his favourite series and loving him to the end of univers.. revealing my top secrets to my brother, laughing and playing PC games.. going to the dentist, peeling my face, massaging my skin with oils, starting to train and eat healthy.. rarely calling a close friend over for a coffee and some small talk and a good laugh.. doing the things I always wanted to but never had the time to.

I may now say that being alone doesn't have to mean being lonely and vice versa. Happiness is forged by only us.. and life is harsh enough itself to stop working on it in order to help some parasite.

A/N
Finally rising after what seemed like ages of touching rock bottom.