Diary Of Feelings

Falling

5AM.. wide awake.. headache killing me.. face sticky from the salt left behind dried tears.. but that's okay 'cause they'll be covered in a new coat in 15 minutes when I break down again..

Feels like an attack.. my breathing gets rapid, my mind completely clouded and it just pours down like there's no tomorrow.. and then it hits me.

They broke me.. I'm broken.. despite all my efforts to be whatever whoever needed me to be, I was never good enough of a gurl for them to stick around..
And now I'm taking more pills than I ever could've dreamed I'd be taking, trying to patch up what I'm left with.. fixing what I let them break.. for what..

For peace at home? For a happy friend? For a satisfied partner? Someones good night out? Someone to "like" me?

To be honest now, looking back, I should've been a b*tch from day one to EVERYBODY ! Saying "no" to everything I don't 100% agree with and like, I should've pushed all these people waaay earlier.. I shouldn't have cared who's family or a life long friend.. I'd be the worst but I'd loose them anyways so what does it matter at the end of the day?

Because at the end of the day I'm the one that has to take sleeping pills while they all sleep safe and sound, I'm the one who has to take pills in order to have energy to do the simplest tasks like wash the dishes or do the washing.. and some days just to have strenght to stand up from the bed in the morning.. the one that has to be a needle pillow..

And they are in their comfortable homes, with their loved ones, being able to get all "human 101" tasks done without ever acknowledging them or giving them any importance at all..

Speak again to your brother they say..
Go out more they say..
Attend more family gatherings they say..
Hang out with us more..

No longer.. You can stick your friendships and love and family bonds right up where the sun don't shine cause yeah, this may be late but better late than never, so.. NO!

From now on it'll all be done my way.. I don't need you to be another pill in my daily life and you're not worth it.. no one is.. so I don't give a rats a$$ if you were made from my rib, if I don't like it I'm out..

I let myself fall low enough to get me thinking for days now if I'll ever be able to recover and live a normal life.. normal.. not great, not fancy, not outstanding.. just normal..

So a deep bow from me to everyone who participated in this game.. you succeeded in demolishing one 22 year old girls health and much more.. an outstanding job really.. but the show's over so you can all go back to your lives now.

Sincearly no longer yours,
Four