Lost finding yourself

Chapter 18: Him

     As we were walking out of the breakfast place I see a familiar face staring at us. With my curiosity I nudge Sam's shoulder and nod my head towards the guy. "Who's that? They look familiar." Sam shrugs her shoulders, "I dont know man, just some creep."
     The hot air was tormenting and I still felt like shit from last night. I wanted to know who that guy was, my thoughts wouldn't stop, he looked so familiar and I hated it. Gabe dropped Sam off at her house and he went home to get some sleep.
     I walk into my spotless house, those ladies did a really good job, smells nice too. I walked up to my room and lay down on my bed. Ever felt like no one really understood you? Like life refused you to be ok again. Its been almost a year since Danny was gone and I still never felt ok. I still felt like I had emptiness inside of me. I have this box, I call it my memory box and I kept everything I cherished in there. I pull it out from under my bed and I opened it to find some pictures and some letters and a bear. He's name was kuddles, with a K. Danny gave him to me when he was young, he's first Christmas, obviously he didn't buy it himself, mom did but I cherished it anyways.
     I sat there on my bed holding it for a minute, a tear streamed down my face, but I quickly wiped it away. I looked over at the time, 2:57. Almost 3. I grabbed my vans and slid them on, put my headphones on and walk out my door with kuddles.
      The sun was beating down hard but I only had a block left, I turned the corner into the graveyard where Danny was. I made my way to his grave, luckily it was in the shade because it was hot. I sat down on his grave and placed Kuddles right by the headstone. All the flowers had died and all balloons deflated. It was quiet. It was too hot for human and animal activity out here. I closed my eyes and listened to the sounds of nothing.
      I heard some crinkling going on in the distance so I shot my eyes open to observe. When I looked over my shoulder I saw someone standing there in a black hoodie. I was never the type to get frightened, but I'll admit I was a little bit frightened. I stood up and they looked at me. "Sequoia." The deep voice called. The sound was so familiar and I was a bit shocked by how they knew my name.
     "Don't be scared, koi." He started walking towards me when I finally caught a glimps of who he was. It was him. "What do you want?" I asked walking up to him. "Did you follow me here? From breakfast?" He wasn't answering anymore. He just walked up to me and stood in front of me. He let out a laugh a little bit. "I've lost you, but you're still looking for me in everyone, and I won't be found."
     "I'm dying Sequoia." He contuined on to talk quiet like he didn't want anyone to hear. "I'm physically dying. I have cancer and before I go forever I wanted to tell you I forgive you for leaving, for cheating, for lying. Because I myself, lied to you. I do all this acid to forget I'm dying, but its so so soon. I'll be gone and I wanted you to know, you're the only girl I felt so strongly about, and I let you go so simply because I don't want people to feel bad for me, I don't want the sorrows, and the tears, and the cards, and the flowers. I wanna die, I've been ready since I've got diagnosed with prostate cancer and I wanted to tell you, so you didn't think I just disappeared. And I'm sorry what I did to Gabe, I lost control because I lost you."
     I stand there in shock, fear, sadness, and relieve. "I'm sorry D.J.." A tear slipped down my cheeck and before I knew it more and more tears came down.. "Don't cry koi. Its what I want." I look at him speechless and I can't help but cry. "Why do you wanna die?" I ask him softly. "Because I lost you and I loose everything I loved, everything I wanna love, I lost happiness." I look down at the dead grass and stand there for a minute. "I love you Sequoia Dawn and never forget that. I don't want to be mad at you anymore. I don't wanna go on for the short time I have hating you. I cherished our time together and I understand it now."
      I take a deep breath in trying to understand it all. I feel so quilty and I feel as if its all my fault he is the way he is. "I was at your party last night. Sam invited me, you looked so beautiful in the dress you we're in." He cupped his hand on my face. "Why didn't you tell me you were there?" Tears are still coming down my face. D.J. wipes one away. "I didn't want you to be upset. But I have to go." D.J. takes off running and I'm there left alone in tears and confused.
    I sit there a minute trying to figure out and take in everything I was just told. I'm in shock, I don't know what to do, or think. Or anything, I'm left in shock. I don't wanna feel this way, the feeling of failure and feeling like I could of stopped so much of his pain. I'm selfish and I don't like it.
     I slowly walk home still taking in the concept of D.J dying. Maybe I shouldn't feel this bad, maybe I should feel worse, but yet I still don't really know what I feel. I soak in the warm sun before turning down my driveway, mom should be home soon. I unlock my door and step foot in my house, I haven't eaten since this morning so I decided to prepare dinner. I pull out a pot and boil water enough to cook noodles in. I gather some fresh tomatoes, some lettuce, a little onion, and some nice cucumber. I add all the veggies to a nice bowl and make a delightful summer salad.
    After setting the table, I check my noodles and grab my garlic bread outta the stove. I make mom's plate and then mine. As I'm pouring my mother a glass of her favorite wine, the front door opens and she walks in. "Mmmm! Smells great in here." She walks into the kitchen and plants a kiss on my forehead. "How was the meeting?" I ask handing her, her glass of wine making our way to the dinner table. "It was all bogus! The guy was meaningless and didn't know what he was talking about." Mom sips her wine as I finish up piece of bread. "The place was gorgeous though! My view from my hotel was breathtaking, and the food was marvelous I never wanted to leave!"
     I smile at mom, "I'm glad you had fun. My last day of school was good." Mom wipes her left over noodle sauce from her face. "That's good hunny, thank you for dinner sweetheart, I wanna go shower up and get to bed, I'm pooped." She takes our plates into the kitchen and I grab everything else. I clean up while mom goes upstairs.
      After cleaning I too go upstairs to relax. I change into some comfy pants and grab a tank top outta my clothes. I put on a movie and quickly find myself drifting off into a nice sleep. Tomorrow should be a nice day, hopefully.
     It's about 3:45 a.m and there has been slight banging on my window, like pebbles being thrown. I lean over to turn my light on and grab a sweater. I open my window to find no other than a D.J. "What are you doing down there?" I ask gripping my sweater tighter as the cold midnight breeze escapes into my warm room. "I'm scared Koi." I motion him the finger as I slip my vans on. I climb out my window and plop next to D.J. "Why are you scared?" I ask as we begin walking into the dark. "It's getting worse, everything feels worse." We walk towards the little park towards the end of the road.
      It's dark and cold and the whole town is asleep but us. "You shouldn't of came out, it's quite chilly." I can see my breath when I breathe out or talk. We arrive to the park and we sit on the swings. "I have to go to the doctors tomorrow, they're not gonna let me go. I needed to see you. I needed to tell you." D.J's voice grew quite and innocent. His eyes are droopy and he looks pale. Not the good pale, the kinda pale that makes you look like the life is being sucked out of you. I grab his cold hand and look him in the eyes. "Tell me what?" I ask ever so quietly. "I love you Sequoia Dawn, and when and if I have the choice, I don't wanna suffer, I don't want to sit there with cords and needles and a breathing tube. I-" I smash our lips together by interrupting him mid sentence. "I don't want you to die." I whisper to him, foreheads still touching.
     "If I could live forever just to be with you I would." We sit there in quiet for a while until the sun came peeking through the clouds. D.J walked me home. After climbing back through my window I lay there for a minute with my hand to my heart. I'm never really the one to pray, but tonight, tonight I am. So I pray, I pray for D.J to have the easiest and painless death, pray for his cancer to just disappear, I pray for his happiness and his sadness, his sorrows and his dreams. I close my eyes and let the cool wind blow at my face as I drift back to sleep.