Lost finding yourself

Chapter 8: Ignorance, Oblivion, Razor Blades.

        "Danny?" I whisper as he lays in the hostpial bed next to me. His eyes are close, he's breathing slowly, according to the breathing tube attached to his nose. I roll my head straight and stare at the ceiling. The same ceiling I stared at a few months back. Here we are again though, back in the same hostipal and maybe the same doctor. I don't remember if its the same room as last time though. I hear the door crack open and I glance over. I attempt to lift my head but the pain was unbearable I layed my back down. "Mum?" I whisper again. "Yes sweetie, its me."  She walks over to me and places her hand on my face, "I almost thought I lost my baby girl again." she says with a crack in her throat. I look up at her, "Mom, I'm sorry ." I say as tears start to roll down my cheek. "Babygirl its ok, as long as your ok." 

        Mom walks over to Danny and places a hand on his, "My baby, if you can hear me-" She pauses as tears fall down her face. "Its ok to let go baby, I understand if you need to." My mom grabs a tissue from her purse and wipes her tears away. "Mom? What did I do?" She looks over at me. "Hunny, no. Hunny, oh no. Its not what you did baby. Accidents happen sweetie, don't blame yourself." I wipe a tear away with my wrist. "What's wrong with him? How bad is he hurt?" She looks over at Danny and looks back to the floor. "According to the doctor the car slammed into the tree on his side, the pressure of the car hitting the tree broke his ribs, and puncture his lungs. His bones shattered inside of him and he had internal bleeding for 13 hours. They're not sure if hes gonna make it Koi." I just look up at my mom. In shock. I couldn't think anything, nothing at all came to my mind. "Mom." Was all that came out and all that could come out.

        That night I layed in the unconfortorble, sweaty hostipal bed. I couldn't sleep, I layed on my phone for hours. The thought of that you are the possiable reason your little brother is dead is pretty fucking shitty. Nothing happen to me, a few scarpes and cuts. Thats all though. I don't want to be the reason my little brother is dead. Come to think of it I don't think anyone wants to be the reason they're little brother is dead. What if dad ever found out? He'd be ashamed, so ashamed. How am I gonna live with myself if he's gone? It'd be all my fault and I couldn't do anything to get him back, even if I wanted to.

        Around 3 I finally fell asleep, but suddenly awoken by an alarming burst in from three doctors rushing over to Danny. "He's not breathing!" One of them screamed. "Grab the automated external defibrillator, lets try and shock him!" I look over at the screen with his pumps of his heart. It's nothing but a straight line. "Save him!" I scream. "Save him!!" I scream again. A nurse from the other room comes in a trys to calm me down. "Call my mom! Save him! He can't die! Why can't it be me?!" I scream and I cry and I freak out. About 3 minutes my mom calms barging in. "My baby!" She yells as she runs over to him, not to close to where she shouldn't be, but close enough to see him. "It's not working!" One of the female doctors yells at another doctor. "One more time, get it extra." The dotor says calmly. As they get ready to shock him for the last time I couldn't bear to watch. I close my eyes, still listening to all my surroundings. As I hear the automated external defibrillator go off for the last time. 

        I feel my heart stop and the whole room go dizy. I glance one eye open, and look over at the whole croud around my brother. In that moment everything that Danny and I ever went through replayed through my head over and over again like a broken record. I watch my mom burst into tears and drop to hear knees. The female doctor puts a hand on my mom's sholder. "Mom, I- I'm sorry." I say so very quietly I didn't expect her to hear me. "I don't wanna hear it Sequoia." I look away from my mom as I start to cry. It was all my fault and I couldn't do anything about it now. I couldn't do one thing about it. He was gone and I was still there, still laying in this same fucking bed. I couldn't help but cry and think how everything was going to be like now. I hated life now and not anything could change that.