Lost finding yourself

Chapter 20: Forgiveness?

"Gabe! Please! Just stop!" I ran after him down our driveway. "No! Go back inside!" He stormed over to his yard and grabbed a baseball bat from his yard. "Gabe!" I grab onto him and he pushes me away. "Go." He looks at me with a look I've only seen a very few times. "Gabe, calm down." I started backing away. "Go inside Sequoia." I took off running back inside, I've hated this side of Gabe.
Gabe didn't have the greatest of childhoods, he suffered from PTSD, he used to be beat horribly back when he's dad still did hard drugs and his mom was locked up. So everytime he gets mad, like to a certain point, he wants to practically kill someone, there's no stopping him. He almost put his cousin in the intense care unit.
I ran up to my room and I slammed my door shut and sat on my floor. I don't know where Gabe is going and I don't know where D.J is. I'm scared, I wish I had Danny to cry to and just rant to and him not judge because he was young and he didn't know what was really going on.
I layed on my roof, i haven't done this in almost a few years. I let the warm summer night relax my body and the stars relax my thoughts. I was stressed out and I didn't need to be. Well I had so many reasons to be stressed out and I was so stressed out, but for a moment I'm not. I close my eyes and let the breeze fill my face. I literally have no idea what I'm doing in my life. Wasting precious days away by stressing out and constanly have thoughts flown through my head.
  "Koi? Hunny? What are you doing up here? Its a little chilly." My mom calls from my window. "I made some tea." She smiles at me and offers her hand to me. I give her my hand and climb back inside, making my way through the hallway and down the stairs to the livingroom. "Sit down I'll grab you a cup." I nod my head and sit on the couch. I wrap a blanket around me and mom hands me tea.
   "How are you doing? Emotionally? About D.J?" I sip my tea and set it down. "I'm ok, I could be better and I could be worse." Mom nods, "He doesn't have long Sequoia." I nod. "I know mom, I know. I just gotta make the best of it." Mom lets off a smile, it was a calming and relaxing smile, a smile telling me not to be so worried. "Is he home?"
    "His mom made him go back to the hospital, its the one down the block though. He's in room 207, visitors are aloud 9-4." I take the last sip of my tea, "I think I'll go see him tomorrow. Thanks for the tea, I'm gonna shower and hit the hay." I kiss my moms cheek and head upstairs, like mom said I just have to make every second count.
           ~The Next Morning
  Impatiently waiting in the starbucks line I tap my finger against the steering wheel. Of course every human loves their starbucks coffee before work. Ugh. About a good 7 minutes go by before I'm finally helped. "Hi welcome to starbucks, what may I get you?" The young blonde teenage girl asked. She looked like a Junior in highschool, preppy. "Uhm, hi, can i get a plain black with two sugar and a blended white moca with extra carmel." She nods and yells my order back. "Drive up to the next window please."
       Rushing through the crowd of families and husbands and all sorts of people waiting for their loved ones. I push my way up to the front desk. "Hi, I'm here to see Dylan John." The old lady looked up from her computer and right back down and starting typing the name. "What are your relations to Mr. John ma'am? Because he's very ill." I roll my eyes in fusteration. "I'm his friend, best friend. Ex?" She looks at me with a look. Not so good of one either.
    "Only family and the names of the people on this list may see him. Is your name on his list?" I take a deep breath. "I'm not sure, Sequoia? Sequoia Dawn?" The lady scans the list. "Ah ok, here we are. Mr. John has been moved to. Oh wait." Her voice goes quieter and her look dims. "What? What is it?" I freak out a bit inside, but try to stay positive. "Mr. John has been accouned deceased at 2:54 this morning." My eyes widen, "Deceased?"
   "It means dead now step out of the way for people with family actaully still alive." A 6ft. Very obese redneck pushes me to the main door. I drop the coffees and run out the door. With my heart racing and eyes watery and vision blurry I find my way to my car and I burn outta the parking lot of the hospital. I find myself racing towards D.J's house.
    I pull up to his house with his mom siting on the porch. "WHY? WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?" I scream at his mom. "WHY? WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME OR MY MOM?" She sat there in silence with a cup of coffee in her lap. "HELLO? ARE YOU GONNA IGNORE ME NOW LIKE YOU DID D.J?"
    She still didn't adknodgle me. I slapped the coffee outta her hand and she looked up at me with tears. "Why? I could of been there." I sit down next to her and put my hand on her shoulder. She caresses my cheek with her palm. "I loved him." His mom looks at me. "He loved you."
   The drive back from his house was alone and it was down right sad. Everything about it, I went from crying to laughing to punching my steerwheeling to almost crashing into a fucking tree. I can't believe D.J is gone and I couldn't even see him one last time.
   I didn't wanna go home. I didn't know where i wanted to go. I wanted to be alone and not to be bothered. I was more than upset or devastated. There was a piece of me missing, I couldn't fully grip the feeling, I couldn't fully grip anything.
                'A few days later...'
I hid in my room since I found out D.J died. I never charged my phone, I didn't shower, eat, hell I didn't even get outta bed. Moms tried to force me to eat, Gabe's came over with my favorite comedys and favorite FalloutBoy CDS. Sam even came with the best oil shes had in a while. Nothing made me smile, nothing made me move. I was lost.
     Its the morning of D.J's funeral. I wasn't planning to go. Fucked up? Yeah I know. I peak my head from outta my blankets because I hear a knock on my door. "Sequoia? Honey? Gabe and Sam are here, they want you to go to the funeral. D.J would want that you know." I groan and roll over. I feel bad, Gabe must feel as if I hate him or lost feelings for him, but I can't be with someone while feeling this much pain.
     My door swings open and Gabe and Sam are standing there. Sam has a dress in her hand, covered by protection so I can't see it, but I don't care. "Hey there sleeping beauty." Sam walks over and sits on my bed. "Hey, you gotta get up, atleast for the day." I still lay there and not move. "Yeah, come on Koi. You can't miss this. I hate this kid too, but I'm still gonna go and show my respect."
    I roll my eyes and still lay there dead as a rock. I hear Sam and Gabe let out a long sigh. They grab my ankles and yank me from bed. I was too slow to grab my bed post so I let the pull me and now I'm laying on the floor. "Come on koi, quit with your self pitty party for a god damn second and actaully fucking think about D.J! You think he would want you laying here and fucking pouting over him?! No! No sequoia he wouldn't!" Sam throws the dress ontop of me and walks outta my room. "She's got a point Koi."
       Gabe followed right out behind her and shut my door behind him. I sat up in the mess of blankets. I smelt gross, I felt gross. I unzipped the dress holder to look at the dress Sam got. It was a thigh high, black dress with blue beads going aross the neck, and a goregous blue bow in the back. The dress was goregous. I had thd perfect headband for the dress too. I sighed and looked over at the time. It was already 3, funeral started at 5.
    I thought about what Sam said and she's right. He wouldn't want me crying and being this upset over him. He would want me to be strong. And thats exactly what I'm gonna do, I'm ginna be strong. After a shower though and some food.
      Being dressed and outta my room felt weird, but it felt nice, baby steps is all I can take. Pulling up to the church his funeral was hosted at was difficult, it wasn't that it was crowded, but the parking lot is small. I manage to park and I sit there for a second. I'm 15 minutes late, going in there is already gonna be awkward enough. "Strong sequoia, strong." I whisper to myself. I take another deep breath and I step out of my car and walk up to the church entrance. One more deep breath before I open the door.
   As soon as the door open all eyes are immediately pointed towards me. I just smile and walk to the row Sam and Gabe are sitting in. Currently his grandfather is talking, saying wonderful things about me. A few more people say some things and place flowers on his casket. After about 30 minutes we all gather outside to watch him be burried underground. The preist lowers him into his spot 6 feet underground and as that happens a part of me sinks 6 feet underground with him.
     Before everyone leaves, they place more flowers and items he would of wanted with him. I however wait for everyone to leave before I walk over to him. I kneel down beside his grave and I place an empty vile in his hand. "I found this cleaning not too long ago, this was our first and only acid trip, we got so high and ate the rest of the vile and stayed up talking all night about nonsense and it was so peaceful and wonderful. I'd do anything to get that back." I wipe a tear escaping from my eye. "I love you D.J and you're in a better place now." I kiss his hand and I walk away.
    I drive home, but I'm not crying, I feel better, like a weight has been lifted off my shoulder. I wanna focus on me, I wanna do me. No more falling in love and no more getting hurt.