con
things are bad now. like, really bad and i hate it. i want to be okay, i want to be able to talk about my feelings without being brung down by the crippling anxiety and fear of being hurt, or judged. i just want to be okay why is that so much to ask for?
i don't talk about my feelings much, i listen to others and it helps me. i like to know that i'm not alone, i mean it sucks that others have to go through this too and i wish they didn't but at least i have people to talk to.
i feel so alone most of the time, even though i have the most beautiful and loving boyfriend ever, and the greatest friends anyone could ask for, so it was selfish really.
i try to be positive, to please people you know? but sometimes it all just gets too much, and right now is one of those times. im so stressed out over literally nothing and im scared that troye's going to find someone better and memories from my goddamn past keep coming back and haunting me.
my breathing got heavy and i started to shake at the thoughts that were rushing into my head. stop. stop stop stop fucking stop.
i need troye and i need him now.
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troye
i smiled at my phone as i saw an incoming call from connor.
"hey baby." i said, letting the word roll off of my tongue.
"t-troye i can't, can't breathe my head hurts. it hurts so bad." he stuttered and my back straightened at once and i was in complete shock.
"what? what's happened, con are you okay?" i asked trying to be as calm as possible.
"n-no. i lied. i'm not okay, not at all, and i, i don't know what to do. i'm always sad and i really miss you and my head hurts and i'm scared. so fucking scared." he admitted. he began to sob and i had to hold back my tears. all i wanted was to hold him and tell him it's okay but of course i can't because of fucking distance.
"con. breathe baby, two seconds in and two seconds out. here we go. one, two and in. one, two and out." i heard him steadying his breathing and i let out a breath.
"i-i'm sorry for putting all of this on you. i just didn't know who, who else to call and-" "connor fucking franta stop apologising! you have absolutely nothing to be sorry for okay, nothing. you're finally getting help, and i'm here baby, i'm here. and i love you, so much. now talk to me, and stay calm." i closed my eyes and threw my head back. fuck.
"you really m-mean that?" i heard him sniffling his nose. "of course."
"o-okay. well, i basically, i keep getting more and more flashbacks from before my dad accepted me. when he used to hit me, and, and stuff and it's hurting me. and i'm really scared that you're going to find someone better than me. i mean, it's not exactly that hard is it? i just don't understand why i can't be okay. i'm trying you know, really trying but it's not working at all. and i'm sor- glad you're here with me. not physically, but emotionally. i l-love you."
"babe. please, just get help from a professional. you're going to be okay, i promise you and the next time we see each other is the last time i'll have to book a flight or you'll have to book a flight because i'm sick of this. i need to be with you in the flesh and it's going to happen. soon. i love you." i finished, biting my lip.
"i love you too. hearing your voice helps me so much you don't even understand tro. thankyou, you make me so happy i can't thank you enough. i love you always."
"you too, con."
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MAYBE ITS MOT MY WEEKEND BUT ITS FONA BE MY YEAR
