Gray Rainbow (Soramafu)

Imaginary World And A Toy's Heart

~Mafumafu's POV~

I looked around and realized that I was in a room that was really nostalgic for me. My room in my parents house, which walls were painted in a plain white. The sun shone into the room and let everything look warm and friendly.

All around me where toys that I remembered well. Special for me was a light pink toy bird. Everyone told me it was too girly, but I didn't care, I was always proud of it and I took it everywhere with me. I always thought it would protect me.

Where could it be right now?

I knew that it was a dream. A dream of a time I was happy. A time where I thought everything would become better as I grew older and a time I thought I would find many friends. I was dead wrong at this age, but I didn't want to bother anymore. I wanted to enjoy this dream. So I took the toy bird and played with it for some time.

A cloud covered the sun and the room became darker and I had the feeling, that it got colder, too. At first I thought nothing of it, but after some moments I heard a voice whispering something I couldn't understand at first. "You're way too naive Mafu-kun." Confused I looked around. "You really thought we were your friends?" My eyes widened as I recognized the voice. I unconsciously began to cry and hold my head. "I'm not, you're lying! You all tricked me! It's your fault, not mine!", I screamed at the wall in front of me, even though I didn't think the voice came from there. "You just want to find someone you can blame for the things you did wrong.", said the voice. "You said I should catch this cat! I...", I sobbed loudly before I continued, "I didn't knew it would run in front of this car! I didn't knew!" I screamed crying.

I looked in front of me, still crying and saw a teddy bear in front of me. It spoke with the voice of the kid that bullied me in elementary school and looked at me with glowing red eyes.

I stumbled backwards and my head hit the wall. I stroke over the part of my head and looked at the teddy bear in front of me. "I want you to acknowledge your own flaws and responsibilities.", it said in an angry tone. It came closer and as it looked into my eyes I hold my breath. I pressed myself against the wall and felt my heart racing in my chest. "But, i-it... I-it wasn't my fault!" I said, trembling in fear, with tears streaming down my cheeks.

It whispered into my ear, "That's not the right answer Mafu-kun." I looked anxious at the teddy bear as he took the bird and cut it into pieces right in front of me. "Why are you doing this? Why? I don't understand.", I said desperately as I  looked at the torn parts of the bird. "Because you trust people way too easily Mafu-kun. It's a lesson you still have to learn." It held the scissor on my neck and before he could do anything else I opened my eyes.

Breathing heavily, I looked around and felt warm tears running down my face. I could see my sweat running down my arms. Did I really deserve this? All this things made me get tired of living. Why do I still keep on living? I don't understand myself anymore... Everything is just so messed up in my head.

A loud noise made me sit straight in the bed and I looked at the door waiting, if another one would follow. It did. This time not as loud. Could it be him? Why didn't I just moved away? I knew this could happen. I knew, but if I had moved my friends would have asked me why and I don't have any explanation that wouldn't make them worrying.

I didn't want them to worry about me. It was the only thing I always thought when I had one of these days where everything was the same. The only thing that mattered on these days. I didn't even eat probably, because I thought it wasn't worth the effort at all. I always regretted this on the next day I felt better, because my aching stomach made me eat so much that I felt like throwing up on every of these days. Of course I knew it was unhealthy to life like this, but I never cared enough on my bad days and on my good days I wanted to spend time with my friends.

Once I actually wanted to go to a psychologist, but in the end, I was so afraid of speaking with him, that I turned around and went back home.

I realized that these thoughts wouldn't help me in this kind of situation and I thought about just jumping out of the window, but I was sure they would get me. They always did.

Somehow Soraru came to my mind and I didn't know why, but I hoped he would just come and make everything disappear. I never thought I would rely so much on a person I met just a day ago. I started to cry again and whispered his name again and again, like a spell, but the only thing I could hear was the crashing sound of the door that was just about 5 meters away from my door. My whole body began to shake and I felt how I began to sweat.