Gray Rainbow (Soramafu)

Clinging Onto Life

~Mafumafu's POV~

When I got home again, the feelings I had kept away on the way home hit me like a truck and I didn't even get to close the door completely, before I broke down to the floor and became a sobbing mess.

In this moments of my life everything just became too much and I had no other idea on how to deal with my feelings.

I sat their with my head leaning against the door, having troubles to breath due to my hard sobs and as much as I wished someone would come and look for me as much I didn't want anyone ever to see me in such a state.

It only showed how much of a fool and a cry baby I was. Believing that my life would become better and then only being able to cry, when it came down just like I imagined before meeting Soraru. I was such a fool for thinking, that my life could go well.

In times like this, I always wanted to be an easy going person like Amatsuki. He seemed to just laugh everything bad off and went on like nothing happened, but I never was able to do the same and it even made me get sick of myself more.

I stood up and went to my bathroom, were I placed my hands on the sink and looked into the mirror, were my pale face was looking back at me. I looked at the razor blades on the right side of the sink and immediately had the urge to just take them and cut myself, but something was holding me back. A thought that crossed my mind, without me expecting it.

'Soraru would worry, if he sees scars on you.'

Even though I tried to forget Soraru and even though I knew he would never see them, because I was more than just careful, I was already paranoid about it, the thought still kept me from even touching the blade.

It was as bad as that whenever someone looked at my arms more then ten seconds, I began to get their attention away from them, even when I was wearing a long sleeved shirt or a sweater.

So I went out of the bathroom and sat down on my bed, already feeling tired because of all the things that had happened on that cursed day.

I wanted to forget everything. I wanted to forget Soraru. I wanted to forget this girl. I wanted to forget these feelings I had for him. I just wanted to forget all of it. But I couldn't. The things she said kept repeating in my head and they began to drive me insane and then something else came to my mind as well, something I wasn't sure if it was good or not. The memories of the day I and Soraru decided to make a collaboration.

"I want to form a collaboration unit with you... So I can be and sing with you more and so that I can be sure you'll be happy. You know... You're really dear to me already even though we know each other for only two days. Or at least I know you only for two days."

'So I can be with you' if he really meant it like this or was it more of a 'I want to hang out with you like friends do it'

I wasn't sure and actually I didn't want to know, I wanted to hope as badly as I wanted to forgot. I just wished that these both feelings would vanish some time soon, so that there was nothing to hope for anymore and nothing to forget about either. I tried to end these useless thoughts with this.

I stood up again taking out my phone out of my pocket and then I called Amatsuki. I just needed him to distract me. He was the best in comforting, without asking further, because he was so carefree that only hearing his voice was making me calm down, even if it was for only a small amount of time. It was enough time to be able to fall asleep.

I was so thankful when I heard his voice say, "Hello Mafu-kun! Are you alright? I'm glad that you're calling! I wanted to tell yoy about what happened the other day!"

The next half hour he was telling me about what the past week happened to him, even though I already knew most of it, I kept listening with a small smile appearing on my face. He often told me his stories twice or sometimes even more often, but at moments like this, when I didn't want to talk myself, his words were something I could never pay back to him. I was thankful that he was my friend and I was even more glad, that he wasn't a person to easily be annoyed by someone or else - I was more than sure about it - no one would be able to hang out with me more than a few days. Especially when they saw my real face. The part of me I wanted to hide, but let out to often, without even knowing.

" So~ How was your week?" Amatsuki asked through the phone and I only replied, "It's been fine so far, but there are still some days left this week, so I will see how it's going to be."

"Nothing more? And why exactly did you call?" he sounded confused, although I had often done this kind of call before. It was somehow adorable how he barely managed to figure out what I was up to, but when he did he became quite scary and annoying, so I actually was pretty glad that he was this slow sometimes.

"Just wanted to check if you're doing alright," I answered and he only let out a sigh, before he said 'goodbye' and then ended the call.

I sighed myself and with the thoughts still focused on the one-sided conversation with Amatsuki I laid down on my bed and tried my best to sleep and eventually I fell asleep.

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Authors Note

I'm so unbelievable sorry for not updating the story for such a long time QwQ. It was just that I had absolutely no ideas for this story anymore and decided to concentrate on my other one, till my inspiration for the story come back and obviously now the time came. (Yay)

It's only a short update and I don't think much happened, but I hope that the next chapter will be better and more eventful, but I can't promise to update regularly, because I'm always short on time and Ideas, but I will try my best to update the story as often as possible.

Thank you for reading till now 💙💕