Gray Rainbow (Soramafu)

Memory

~Mafumafu's POV~

I looked around and tried to find a free table, where I and Soraru could continue the conversation. The coffee shop was really crowded around this time and most of the seats were already taken. I looked at Soraru and wasn't really prepared for him grabbing my hand and pulling me to a free place at the end of the coffee. I sat down and observed him for some seconds.

At first I had the feeling, that the silence between us, would be good for both of us, to think about what happened outside. Even though I wanted to avoid this topic, I felt like I had to tell him the real reason, that made me hide the allergy. Of course, one reason was that I wanted him to be happy, but the other more important one, was something from my past.

I didn't really now what Soraru thought about, but I knew that the silence between us started to get very awkward. He even avoided my gaze. So I decided to break the silence and be, like I promised him, honest.

"It's because of my past.", I started. In Soraru's eyes, that now looked at me, I could see irritation and curiosity. "What are you talking about?", He asked me. "The other reason for not telling you about the allergy.", I answered and fixated the table with my eyes. "You're going to tell me about it, right?", I nodded and felt how the memories came back, that I tried to forget. I actually thought, that I would remember as soon as I see the cats, but I didn't.

Was that good or bad? I succeeded in forgetting the bad things in my childhood, but what if I started to forget the good things too? There weren't many memories I wanted to keep, but those I didn't want to lose, were the most important for me.

"Mafumafu?", I heard the older guy say. "Oh, right. Sorry, I was thinking about something.", "It's okay.", he said with a warm smile. I cleared my throat and looked at my hands, with which I started to fumble nervously on my sleeve.

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"Hey look! There is the cry baby, which starts crying whenever it just sees a cat!"

'Not again', I thought as I tried to hide behind the next tree I could find and hugged the pink stuffed bird in my arms tightly. Hopefully, they wouldn't try to take it away from me again. It was my most precious toy and I thought it was the only thing, I would never lose.

The guy that shouted the other children together, held a cat in his arms and of course I knew, what he actually wanted to do with it. He didn't want to play with it, with the other kids. He didn't care about this cat at all. The only reason was to embarrass me in front of his friends.

He was right, I started to cry whenever I saw a cat, but not because I was scared. It was the opposite. I really loved cats, but my eyes started to tear up automatically, because of the fur that flew around and my allergy that reacted to the saliva on the hair.

I heard steps coming closer and thought that if I hold my breath, they wouldn't find me, but of course that didn't work. I thought about running too, but they all were against me and would catch me no matter how fast I would run. I already had experience in this kind of thing. They already had done this so many times and I didn't get how they still thought it was funny.

"FOUND HIM!", a girl shouted, pointing at me. My heart began to race and, even though I knew they would get me, I unconsciously started to run. I didn't know if anyone followed me, till I heard fast footsteps and laughing behind me. "TRY TO SURROUD HIM!", another boy shouted, as I felt my legs getting tired.

I concentrated so much on running, that I let go of my bird and had to stop immediately to pick it up again, even though it meant, that I would have to endure the feeling of suffocation again. 'I would never let it be taken away from me again', I promised myself on this day.

The boy with the cat now stood in front of me and my trembling legs made it hard for me to keep standing. "Why don't you try being friends with Yuki?", he asked and the others repeated his question like parrots. With a lump in my throat, I stared up to him and tried to draw back, but stumbled over a girls leg, that I was sure wasn't there accidentally.

"Are you already shitting your pants?", he asked and earned some laughs. I hugged the bird in my arms tighter and shook my head. "I'm not." He laughed and stepped closer, holding the cat directly into my face. I began to cough and felt my eyes getting swollen and tearing up right away. He and the other kids really looked amused by my reaction.

I couldn't understand this. They treated me so badly and thought it was funny? At least the boy did think so. The others probably thought, that as long as they aren't treated like this, it's better to do nothing and adjust to the reactions of the 'leader'. I was sure they only thought about themselves, not getting in any trouble and didn't care about me enduring it instead of them.

I coughed harder and felt all my strength leaving my body. I started to hyperventilate and thought I would surely die this time. No one would even care. In the end they would just say, that they didn't know anything about it and get away with it.

"What are you doing here?!", I suddenly heard a woman shout at the children, before I passed out, because of the lack of oxygen.

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"So that's what happened... But you know that I never would do something like this to you, right?", I nodded, still nervous and explained, "I know, but somehow it's hard for me to change my mindset of some things and this is one... I'm sorry.", "You don't have to apologize. I would be scared too, if something like this happened to me, when I was this young.", he said, and I was so glad, that he understood me. "Thank you, Soraru-san.", "There's nothing you have to thank me for." I smiled at his comment and then listened to what he wanted to know, "The woman. Did she come by herself, or did someone tell her?","No one would have ever told her. They would have started to treat them, like they treated me. No one wanted that and that's the reason no one helped me in the first place. I think some of them actually wanted to, but they were too afraid. I would have probably just been the same, if I hadn't been the one bullied from the beginning.", I had to admit.

"Another thing. The bird, do you still have it?", I faced the ground and shook my head. "It might sound really childish, but I miss it sometimes... When I'm alone, I often think about it and I want to search for it, but I can't remember at all, where I had seen it the last time.", "It really sounds a bit childish, but that's really cute.", he said and leaned back. I pouted and responded, "It's not cute. It only shows, that my only friend till middle school was a stuffed toy and I don't know if there's anything more sad than this. "I'm sorry you're right. But now you have friends and you can start to forget these things." He made a short pause and then continued, "But who am I to talk? I wasn't there and I didn't experience this kind of things either." his smile after that was obviously forced. "You might be right, but I have the feeling that you're so understanding, that even without knowing me for a long time, you are able to help me. And somehow..." I looked at him and smiled, before continuing, "I feel like I could tell you everything too." I saw how his, at first surprised expression, formed into an honest smile.

Even though the smaller guy gave me this wonderful smile, I couldn't enjoy it at all. All my feelings and thoughts were so mixed up in this moment.

Why did I have to lie to make him happy? I wished I could just tell him, what I really wanted to say, but I couldn't. I never had been able to do so... Not in the past and yet neither. I never could tell these bullies what I thought, I never was able to tell the guys I had crushes on, what I felt either and now I can't tell the, for me already most important person, how I feel.

I didn't want to be friends with him. I wanted to kiss him, touch him and stay forever with him, but not one thing of those will ever happen and I knew that. I knew it and I couldn't do anything else, then whine about it.

I felt like I was about to suffocate in these feelings and if Soraru hadn't told me, that he had to go and that we could at least walk together some of the way, I would have surely started crying.