Gray Rainbow (Soramafu)

Insomnia

~Mafumafu's POV~

I hadn't spoken with Soraru after I had met him and his brother's child at that café. I knew he probably didn't think of it as much, but I felt incredible uneasy after what I had said and didn't want to spend another second in this building and so I just ran away. That was what I was best at anyway: Running away from my problems. I had done it in school and continued like this even as an adult.

It was actually embarrassing, but I couldn't help and just kept running from my problems and now even from the person I loved the most on this planet. Even Amatsuki had noticed that, after we had released our new album, together as After The Rain, we had stopped meeting each other and didn't even talked a single time either.

Of course one of the reasons was, that I worked on my solo album by now, but the other reason was still my hopeless, one-sided love, that I still couldn't control and that probably wouldn't vanish really soon either, especially because I had to work together with him, because of the concerts and everything related to After The Rain.

Today Amatsuki came over, to talk to me, because of what happened between me and Soraru, but actually I wasn't in the mood to talk about it at all and just wanted to stay in bed, like most of the other days, that I wasn't giving a concert or preparing my solo album. But I also knew it was no use to try to get rid of Amatsuki, because he was amazingly stubborn with things like that, although his personality was usually really carefree.

"Come on, Mafumafu-kun, don't be such a sourpuss!" He whined and took my wrist, pulling me from the couch and I sighed loudly, displeased by his action.

"Stop being so annoying already," I replied, sounding more harsh than I actually intended too and I was glad Amatsuki wasn't a person that took everything to heart and so he just said firmly, "But I just want to help you and I can't help you, if you aren't talking to me!"

"Ok, ok," I replied and sighed loudly as I walked to the door and took my jacket, putting it on in one motion. "But I need some fresh air," I added and without waiting for Amatsuki I left the house and walked down the street.

The fresh spring air blew trough my hair and I breathed in deeply as I looked around, the sun shining onto my face as my eyes glanced up to the blue, cloudless sky. The day seemed so perfect, but there was still so much I had to handle before my life would be perfect like the weather on that day, although I didn't believe that this would ever happen.

Finally Amatsuki caught up to me, resting his hands on his thighs, while he tried to catch his breath.

"Why did you ran off like that?" He asked offended and then he stood up properly again, his expression now serious, more than I actually thought it could be on a guy like Amatsuki, that actually almost never was serious, but obviously he really cared for me, even to the extent of being worried.

It made me happy that I had a friend like this, although I was always scared I could do something wrong and destroy our relationship. That was basically the reason I didn't told him about me being gay either and especially not that I was in love with his friend.

I was just too scared that he would be disgusted and left me or even started bullying me, just like I had been all my life already. This feeling of uneasiness never left me, although I knew Amatsuki wasn't the type of person to be a bully, he was actually more like me. People often used him, because of his warm-hearted personality and he still was as bright as always, not giving in to the feeling of sadness and fear, unlike me.

I really admired Amatsuki for all of this traits and I really wished I was just like him; strong and carefree, but I wasn't like that, not at all. I was always scared, most often depressed and I knew there was no way that this would change soon, even if Soraru would like me back, there still would be those fears of loosing him, or these thoughts that he actually deserved better than me.