The Drunken Feathers

Scene II

(Interior of Carlton House. FOX and SHERIDAN observe the PRINCE OF WALES' toilette. Initially wearing just his nightshift, his servants begin to dress him.)

PRINCE OF WALES

I confess I am already much in love with her.

SHERIDAN

After only one meeting?

PRINCE OF WALES

(Dreamily)

I cannot help myself. My mind is wholly fixed upon her. She is the subject of every thought, dream, and prayer that enters my head.

FOX

Then why not fuck her already?

PRINCE OF WALES

(Amused)

I would not put it in such vulgar terms as yours, Charles, but yes, I do seek to form a union between us.

SHERIDAN

Did you not say she was a pious woman, and a Catholic one, no less?

PRINCE OF WALES

That she is, and I admire her all the more for it.

SHERIDAN

I'm afraid it shall deter your purpose, for no true woman of religion would take a lover. She will never have you.

PRINCE OF WALES

I do not want her for a lover; I want her for a wife.

(FOX and SHERIDAN are stunned by this and exchange a look of anxiety.)

FOX

Must we remind Your Royal Highness of the Act of Settlement 1701, which prohibits any spouse of a Catholic from inheriting the throne?

SHERIDAN

Or the Royal Marriages Act 1772, which requires members of the royal family to obtain permission from the king before they marry?

(Beat as the PRINCE OF WALES ponders this)

If I may be so bold, George, it would be best to forget Mrs. Fitzherbert before your attachment to her becomes unalterable.

PRINCE OF WALES

(Solemnly)

It already is.

FOX

Pay no mind to Richard. Make fierce love to Mrs. Fitzherbert as you have done with so many other women, and she is bound to succumb to your charms.

SHERIDAN

Charles, you fail to understand the nature of her religion. As a boy brought up in Dublin, I was surrounded by Catholics, and I tell you that any true Catholic woman would rather burn at the stake than sacrifice her honor. They revere martyrs almost as much as Christ himself.

FOX

Then how might you explain all those French and Italian maidens who threw themselves upon me when I ventured on the Grand Tour?

SHERIDAN

Courtesans are a different matter.

FOX

They were nothing of the kind! They came to my bed willingly, without encouragement.

SHERIDAN

I heard your father paid them handsomely to make a man of you before you returned to school.