The Drunken Feathers

Scene xxxv

The exterior of Burlington House is shown, and the words 'BURLINGTON HOUSE' appear. Then, the interior of the drawing room is shown. In it, FOX, SHERIDAN, GREY, the DUKE OF PORTLAND, LORD LOUGHBOROUGH, LORD STORMONT, LORD SANDWICH, EDMUND BURKE, and the DUKE OF DEVONSHIRE shout at one another, and argue about who should have what position in the new administration that is to come if the PRINCE OF WALES becomes Prince Regent. The PRINCE OF WALES walks in, sees the commotion, and knocks his walking-stick three times against the floor. Everyone quiets down, turns toward him, and bows.

PRINCE OF WALES: What is the reason behind this pettifog, this irrational bickering? It was my belief that we had decided the Duke of Portland would be Prime Minister, Fox and Lord Stormont would be Secretaries of State, Sheridan would be Treasurer of the Navy, Burke would be Paymaster of the Forces, Lord Loughborough would be Lord Chancellor, Lord Sandwich would be First Lord of the Admiralty, Grey would be Chancellor of the Exchequer, and the Duke of Devonshire would be Lord Privy Seal.

The WHIGS start arguing loudly again. The PRINCE OF WALES knocks his walking-stick against the ground three times to silence them.

PRINCE OF WALES: What are the objections? Let's begin with Fox and go round the room.

FOX: I object to Lord Sandwich being First Lord of the Admiralty.

LORD SANDWICH: Why?

FOX: You know very well why!

DUKE OF PORTLAND: As do I, and while I was chosen to be Prime Minister as well as First Lord of the Treasury, I cannot accept my post until Your Royal Highness provides me with a formal apology.

PRINCE OF WALES: [Annoyed] An apology? I never offended you once in my life!

DUKE OF PORTLAND: I beg to differ, sir! You treated me in a very rough manner when the subject of your debts came up in the House of Commons.

PRINCE OF WALES: That was last year!

DUKE OF PORTLAND: The passing of time does not eradicate the immense outrage to which your words have subjected me!

PRINCE OF WALES: [Rolls his eyes] What did I say that so severely insulted Your Grace?

DUKE OF PORTLAND: I introduced a topic pertaining to your- alleged- marriage to the Catholic Fitzherbert, as I feared it would be discusses in the House of Commons along with your financial crisis, and you replied rather haughtily, 'But we aren't married, so who gives a damn if it's brought up?'

PRINCE OF WALES: What, is that all?

DUKE OF PORTLAND: You swore at me!

PRINCE OF WALES: Fine. You shall receive your apology in due time. Now, does anybody else wish to-

DUKE OF PORTLAND: [Clears his throat] I haven't finished, Your Royal Highness. I refuse to serve in the same Cabinet as Sheridan.

PRINCE OF WALES: Why not?

SHERIDAN: I cannot understand the Duke of Portland! Why, I've never uttered a mean word to him in all my life!

DUKE OF PORTLAND: You certainly did! When I was Prime Minister under the Fox-North coalition of 1782, you said I was-

PRINCE OF WALES: We shall make absolutely no progress tonight if you continue to draw up slight insults from years past! Now, I ask that you put aside your effeminate disposition for one night so we may reach a decision! Now, are there any more objections? [A blaring silence ensues] No? Good. On that note, I have one myself: as my regency will be debated, the Tories will likely wish to deliberate my relationship with Mrs. Fitzherbert again. You are all obliged to do everything in your power to prevent this from happening.

SHERIDAN: This is one complaint among many, George. It cannot be our first and foremost priority to preserve the illegitimacy of your marriage, especially since doing so could harm our new administration. What would we do if we supported a gentleman who might be supposed to have married a Catholic? It nearly ruined us when we debated over it last year!

PRINCE OF WALES: It is inconsequential how much your endeavors shall damage the Whig party, so long as I am made Prince Regent.

SHERIDAN: [Irritated] Good God! You possess the most womanish mind I have ever seen!

PRINCE OF WALES: Sheridan!

FOX: Did you not say that the post of Lord Chancellor would be granted to Lord Loughborough?

PRINCE OF WALES: [Calmer] I did.

FOX: But we subsequently decided it should be bestowed upon Lord Thurlow instead.

LORD LOUGHBOROUGH: [Jealous] I won't stand to see the Lord Chancellor in Pitt's Tory administration replace me!

SHERIDAN: We must have Lord Thurlow in our new government; how else will we acquire the Tories' support?

The WHIGS erupt into arguing again. The PRINCE OF WALES sighs with annoyance. Cut to ACT II, SCENE XXXVI.