Life After Rehab ✓

[Chapter Sixty-Nine] Letters

Chapter Sixty-Nine – Letters

Bailey,
The most important thing I need you to know... is that I love you. Never think I didn't and please don't hate me forever. This has been something I've been battling with since I got in here and when it comes down to it, I know I won't be strong enough to stay clean. The cravings have never gone away and I hurt too many people when I relapsed.

Ava was the love of my life and I destroyed her. My parents had to watch my pitiful downfall; straight into rehab. When I relapsed I tore my parents hearts out and they almost gave up on me.

And I know you'll wonder why and the only real and honest answer I can give you is that I would rather die clean and sober, in a place where I'm comfortable and feel loved and at home. The places I have found myself high are repulsing and that wasn't the way I wanted to go out of this world. I want control in my life and death and drugs stole that from me; I didn't want to die at the hands of heroin.

The time I spent with you and Julian were the best months of my life. You both showed me what real love and friendship was. You are the most beautiful human being I've ever met Bailey, inside and out. When you leave rehab you're going to make it because you have so much more to offer this world. You're going to make a beautiful bride; I'm sorry I won't be there... I'll talk more on that later. But you're going to make the best mom ever too.

I just hope that maybe I had as great of an impact on your life as you did on mine. Not so that it would cause you more pain when I'm going; but so that I know I'll never be forgotten. I'm terrified that I cared more for you guys than you did for me; that you won't miss me. I don't want to be a distant memory that you remember vaguely one day. I don't want to be some memory you have to fight to recall.

You two are the only reason that I had to live and I don't want you to think that you weren't enough; it was because I was the one that wasn't enough. If we remained as close out of rehab as we were in... I surely would have brought the both of you down with me. Trust me, it's better to remember me this way than to watch me slowly die.

I wish I could explaine better because I know you deserve more from me. Honestly, I don't know when I'll do it; will it be in rehab or at home? Right now I'm not ready, but I'm almost there and I know I'm going to cause pain with my chioce, but not as much as I would if you watched me relapse and die that way.

I feel like I'm not making complete sense and that I'm not actually giving you any answers.. That's the most frustrating part to me. I want to live, I want so badly to be happy; to maybe even marry Ava one day. I want to be your best friend and to prank young people when were seventy and have a friendship that I know will last a lifetime.

If I could only believe in myself as much as I believed in you then we could have that. But as I write this I'm failing; I want heroin. I never had a bad life; loving parents and awesome friends so it's selfish of me to feel this way when I know you and Julian would kill to have the life I did.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore, Bailey. I feel like I'm drowingin this workd with no purpose and no way out. If I asked you, I know you would have gave me your hand... but I refuse to drag you down with me. So do me a favor please? Even If I have no right asking for it.

Next time you come across a girl or guy who make you feel the way I made you feel; let them in fully. When you find that friend who sees how beautiful you are and who wants to just spend time doing nothing with you or who will say hey; let's take off for a couple days! Replace me with them.

You and I are the same; if you're in my heart I know I'm in yours. I don't want to be replaced there, but please replace me physically. You need a best friend to hold you when Julian's being a dumbass and a best friend to push you and pull you from your comfort zone.