The World's Funniest Shit

49. Funny Texts

1. Girl: Hey.

Dad: In a meeting.

*Minutes later*

Girl: Dad?

Dad: In a meeting.

*Hours later*

Girl: Hello?

Dad: In a meeting.

*After lunch*

Girl: How fucking long is that meeting?

Dad: In a meeting.

Girl: Fuck you.

Dad: In a meeting.

*Girl calls the dad*

Girl: Dad?

Dad: Yea?

Girl: Are you in a meeting?

Dad: No, why?

Girl: *Mumbling* That little bitch of a phone.

____________

2. Dad: That Nerf gun you bought is so awesome!

Girl: I bought that for Tommy's 10th birthday!

Dad: He's too young. Anyways, I shot at the TV screen with this lady on it, the show Mom loves to watch, and the lady tripped! That was so funny!

Girl: Dad.

Dad: Yeah?

Girl: Grow up.

___________

2. Daughter: Mom, where are you?

Mom: I'm just leaving the supermarket, why?

Daughter: I was with you...

Mom: Oh, crap. Sorry, honey, I forgot.

Daughter: You forgot? Really. You never noticed a 5'2 kid always strolling beside you? You're so observant, Mom.

__________

3. Mom: Hey, honey? I need you to come home and tell me how to work this stupid remote.

Mom: Hello?

Mom: Dad and I decided to buy you a new car.

Me: WHAT? REALLY?

Mom: Lol. No, I was just seeing if you were reading these.

________

4. Guy: Will you marry me?

Girl: Hell, no! I hate you.

Guy: What?! But we've been dating for 4 years!

Girl: So? I'm sick of you.

Guy: Bitch, fuck you. I can't believe I fell for an asshole.

Girl: Lol. Just to let you know, you have the wrong number. And as for some advice, don't ask someone to marry you over text. You won't get to see them cry or reject you, which is the best part.

__________

5. Guy: Fine, whatever. Haters gonna hate.

Friend: Alligators gonna alligate.

Guy: Officials gonna officiate.

Friend: Bitches gonna make me a sandwich.

Guy: I bow to the king.

Me: I don't! Where the fuck are the potatoes?

___________

6. Girl: I'm having heart surgery today.

Tom: I know, I love you.

Girl: Aww, me too.

*After surgery she sees that her dad is the only person left in the room*

Girl: Where's Tom?

Dad: What? You didn't know who gave you your heart?

Girl: *Starts crying*

Dad: Just kidding! He's in the bathroom.

Girl: Dad, I hate you sometimes.

Dad: Hey, I got to see you cry. It was worth it.

__________

7. Ex: I want you back....

Me: Of course you do, I'm motherfucking perfect.

_______

8. Guy: What do you think of my new girlfriend?

Best Friend: She's a slut.

Guy: Gotta hate autocorrect.

Best Friend: I turned that off years ago. But I hate your girlfriend more than autocorrect, she cheated on me with you. That's why I dumped her ass.

_________

9. Friend: I know a gay guy that sounds like a owl.

Guy: Who?

__________

10. Girl: I hate when people just stare at me like I'm a experiment or something. Like c'mon if you want to check me out, take a picture!

Friend: Sure, they'll totally want a picture of you walking in your big ass banana costume at Starbucks. You were knocking people around like Godzilla.

Girl: That was a long time ago.

Friend: By that you mean about 20 minutes ago, right?

Girl: Yeah, I'm sitting on the sidewalk because I got kicked out and waiting for my mom to pick me up. You?

Friend: Enjoying my nice cup of coffee.

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I made the last one up if you couldn't tell because it was so long and stupid. So I wanted to thank you bros for voting and making 9K reads and about 300 votes which is fucking brilliant. I just want to know how many of you guys actually enjoy this stupid ass commentary at the end.

Because usually, I just skip it and not give a fuck because some people are boring and too serious and I don't like it. But that's just me.

This chapter was as long as shit, for me anyways. My hands are sore and I feel like going to sleep because it's 9:00 in the morning and I'm more of a grab the phone, do whatever, go back to sleep person. But of course, things never go as planned. Peace out!

*Brofist*