Something like Olivia

Chapter 7: Ghost (Halsey)

I hate that I just ran into Vinnie.  The moment that I opened my eyes and saw him standing there my mind flashed back to six months ago like it was yesterday...

The glass of vodka I poured myself shatters against the wall and I hear someone screaming every curse word with rage. I don't realize it's me who is making all the noise until I look down and see blood dripping from my hand onto a picture frame that holds a picture we just took a few months ago. We were so happy that day celebrating Vinnie's birthday. I threw a surprise party at his favorite jazz club in the city and all of his friends came. He never looked so happy. Now the picture and all of my memories are tainted with my blood.

Vinnie just sat me down to tell me that after five years together, five years of planning our future together, he doesn't want the same things as me anymore.  How did we get here?  I thought we were happy.  Right? 

I remember our first summer together like it was yesterday.

***The summer before our senior year of high school we started to hangout more often and we soon became inseparable.  We spent every day swimming with our friends, taking the short drive to the Jersey Shore or late night drives to nowhere.  As the summer came to a close I noticed that we began to spend more time together alone instead of with all of our friends.

After a football game one night we found ourselves sitting on the bleachers alone. We were talking about the school year ahead and how crazy our lives were going to be. We talked about all of the events coming up as seniors such as homecoming, formals, prom, and graduation. As we talked we both realized that we want to do all of those things together. We wanted to be together, more than friends.  Everyone had gone home and they just turned off the field lights. I had never been so nervous in front of Vinnie before but at that moment I felt a shift in our relationship. He leaned in to kiss me. It was romantic; just us and millions of stars in the sky. 

During the school year we saw each other everyday.  We were both in band.  It forced us to spend many weekends at football games playing in the stands, we had parades, and even spent a week in Disney with the marching band.  During jazz band season I become a roadie just so I could travel with my friends and be close to Vinnie.  After  school we would spend time with friends or with his family. We were inseparable, codependent on each other and we loved every minute of it.

I was never really in to the band but I loved hanging out with all of my best friends and getting an easy A for the school year.  Vinnie was different.  Music was his life and he made that clear to me from the beginning of the relationship.  He wanted to become famous playing guitar in a band.  Somehow we made his music and our relationship work.  I would go with him to his shows and help him set up his equipment.  I'd bring my books and study while he would practice.  When we moved in together we made the extra room into a small studio so he could practice and record music that he wrote.  Things were working out.  It was going smoothly.   

Things changed two years ago when he started playing guitar for Halsey.  He had less and less time for me.  He started practicing more often and the gigs (which by the way I hate the word gig.  It makes my stomach cringe just as much as the name Liv.) started to become more frequent. He continued to promise me the moon and the stars in the sky but the less time we spent together the less I trusted his words.  Soon Halsey starting playing shows out of town and I became jealous of the band and the time it took away from me.  I felt like we fought every other day about how lonely I was or how much I missed him.  Vinnie would tell me that things will settle down eventually and we will be OK.  He promised that we would come out on the other side of this.  I wanted to believe him and I wanted nothing more to be his wife and have children.  This had been our dream since we were 18.

As I am sitting on the chair I hear Vinnie saying my name over and over.  I was lost in my mind remembering our 18 year old selves.***

"Liv do you hear me?  Liv are you OK?"

"Yes.  Yes I hear you.  I can't believe you are doing this to me.  You promised...You promised me forever," I said sobbing uncontrollably with tears streaming down my face.

"I didn't say I wanted to break up with you.  I love you and want to be with you Liv." 

Confused by his statement I said, "Let me get this straight.  You want to be with me but you don't want to marry me?"    

He simply replies, "Yes."

With all my pain and hurt I ask, "How does that make any sense?  I gave you everything for five years.  I stood by your side when your music took first place over me.  You promised me we would be husband and wife and raise a family together if I gave it time."

"I want to be honest with you, Liv.  My feelings about our future have changed.  Halsey is going to be doing a 20 show east coast tour and if the band takes off who knows where I will be in another five years.  I don't want to leave a wife and kids behind while I am off traveling the world."

Now more confused than his previous statement I say, "You don't want to leave a wife behind but you are ok with leaving a girlfriend of five years behind?"

"No.  You will come with me whenever you can.  We will have awesome adventures together all over the country.  If we are married and have children you will be settled in one place and I will never be home.  I will never be with my family."

I sit in the chair and sob.  I can't believe he lied to me.  Were the last five years a lie?  When did he know how he felt?    This is so all out of the blue for me.

"So my dreams have to be pushed to the side so you can go and live out your wildest dreams?  What if the band fails and falls apart?  Are you expecting to come back home to me and start the life you left behind?  It will never happen.  I am not going to wait for you anymore.  I am not going to follow you around the country."

I get up, grab my jacket and run out of the apartment before he can say a word.  If I stay a second longer he will convince me that his way will work and everything will be ok.  I have to run before he tells me those words because if I hear them I may not leave.  I may not be strong enough to start over.