Something like Olivia

Chapter 30: Night Changes (by One Direction)

"What is this?" he asks as he gently runs his fingers along the top of my shoulder following the curve up to my neck. 

Avoiding eye contact with him, I reply, "It's a tattoo."

He's annoyed by my response and asks, "I know that but why did you choose this tattoo?"

I sit up and grab my shorts and tee shirt in a hurry to cover the tattoo.  He grabs his shorts and stares at me waiting for an answer as he gets dressed.  I am afraid to answer him because I know it will be the end for us.

"Is this real? Do you have lyrics to our song on your shoulder?"

I put my head down to avoid eye contact and he raises his voice demanding, "Look at me!  Tell me this is a joke!  That's fake!"

I snap my head up and look him in the eyes like he requests. "It is real.  I tattooed Truly, Madly, Deeply in Love on my shoulder."

"Why?  I didn't think you knew who I was when we met, let alone a fan."

He looks so hurt.  I can't stand to look at him like this.  I have no option but to own this and give him an explanation about everything.

"I can explain." 

"Please and do it now!" he exclaims as he puts his clothes back on.

The tone in his voice is starting scare me.  I have never heard him speak like this to anyone.  He is pacing the room now just looking at me, waiting for me to speak.  I know that I just lost him as quickly as I decided to just let everything go and be with him?

"I am a fan but it is not what you think." I quickly continue my explanation before he decides to walk out on me.  "I had never heard your music or even knew who One Direction was until seven months ago.  I was broken and sliding down a very dark hole when I was going through my breakup with Vinnie.  I didn't want to live anymore.  I had nothing worth waking up for.  I was letting my schooling slip, I cut off all of my friends, and hid away from the world in Riley's apartment.  One day I heard a song on the radio and it spoke to me.  I just had to find out who sang it and to my surprise it was a band called One Direction; this world famous boy band.  Truthfully, I have never heard of the band because the type of music is not something I listened to. Despite it not being my taste, I started to listen to the music because it made me forget about the world around me. The break up songs made me cry.  The love songs gave me hope.  The upbeat songs made me dance. The music made me feel alive."

The look on Niall's face is a little calmer now so I reach out for him but he pulls away from me and my heart sinks.

He asks, "Olivia why would keep this from me?  Especially after everything that has happened over these two weeks."

"I don't know.  I guess as time went on, it became more difficult to tell you.  At first, I didn't feel it was important information.  I never thought I would see you again after the two days we spent together in Philadelphia.  I just thought you would leave and we would go our separate ways. But I was wrong because I was soon flying to L.A. to spend a few days with you.  I still wasn't sure what was happening between us so I didn't tell you.  Once I came to Chicago, I knew there was no turning back.  I started to have feelings for you and was afraid how you would react if I told you.  At that point, I made every effort to hide my tattoo from you until I could figure out how to tell you."

Niall looks at me in complete shock as he asks, "So you got to a point where you made a conscious effort to hide the tattoo from me?"

I bury my face into my hands to hide the tears, I plead with him, "Niall, I was scared I would lose you.  I am so sorry.  Please believe me I never intended to hurt you."

"I can't even wrap my head around this information right now.  I am in complete shock.  I was falling for you and you fooled me.  I thought that you didn't know who I was when we first met.  I loved the way you treated me like I was no big deal.  I felt like a normal 20-year old."  He sits down on the bed shaking his head at me.  "How can I trust you? You should have been up front about this."

"I am still the same Olivia.  Everything I have shared with you is real.  Everything we have experienced together is real."

"But you're not the same Olivia.  You are a fan who created this fantasized version of me and the band.  We are people who you now identify as having saved your life.  What happens when I can't save you the next time?  When we can't save you?  I can't hold your life in my hands.  I will be left with the pain of letting you down.  That is not fair of you to expect from me."

"I would never expect you to hold my life in your hands."

"But you already have.  I saved you from Jake and we saw how well I dealt with that.  I let you down when I couldn't save you from the emotional trauma that happened to you."

After he said those words, I think my head exploded. 

"Low blow Niall.  I am so sorry if some strange man wanted to slap me around a little and try to rape me.  I am sorry if you thought saving me was too much to deal with. You pushed me to talk and share with you what happened.  And the first chance you get, you throw it back in my face that it was too much for you.  You are making me regret ever opening up to you.  You should just walk away now.  If you couldn't handle that then I am sure my life is too much for you to deal with.  You will never be able to hold all my past problems and trouble that I have caused along the way in your tiny frail hands.  We should just cut ties now.  You would never survive all the pain of my past."

"Wait, how did this conversation get turned around on me?!  You are the one who hid information from me!"  As he walks away from me, he says, "I have been nothing but open with you.  I hid my feelings from you for one whole morning before we worked it out.  You have been hiding this from me for two weeks!  Two weeks, Olivia!  I don't understand why you are acting like this is no big deal."

"Niall, I know that it is a big deal.  I understand that I hurt you by hiding the tattoo from you and not telling you that I knew who you were.  Yes I did use your music to help me out of a tough time but I never expected any one of you to actually come and pull me out of my dark place.  It was the music that saved me not specifically any one of you.  And yes you did save me that night when I was being assaulted but again I did not seek you out to come and save me.  Then you asked me to share with you what had actually happened.  I did not come to you and make you listen to the story.  I didn't ask you to put my life in your hands.  You asked me to trust you and took on the responsibility yourself to try and fix me.  You are the one who promised to protect me from the very start."

"This is all too much.  I need time to process all of this.  I am going to sleep somewhere else tonight.  You stay here." 

I reach out my hand for him begging, "Niall please don't leave like this.  Please stay here with me." 

"I can't stay here.  I need to figure this all out."  As he heads to the door he shakes his head saying,"I don't even know who you really are."

As soon as the door closes, I fall to my knees with tears streaming down my face.  I can't believe I hurt him.  I am such a fool.  I strung him along for two weeks not letting my true feelings show and just when I open myself up to him, I ruin everything during the most intimate moment we have shared together.  I can't believe how quickly the night changed.  I was not expecting any of this to happen tonight.  He said, don't think and to just let it happen.  I knew I shouldn't have listened to him or my heart.  All I wanted was to have no regrets, now I am full of them.  How am I going to fix this? 

As I lay in bed crying for a few hours, I realize that I can't fix this.  I hurt him and broke his trust.  Besides this is all too much for me right now, I don't think I am ready emotionally for a relationship.   I need to leave here and quickly.  I get up to pack my bag.  I am going to leave here with no plan.  When I get to the airport, I will worry about finding a flight.  I know sneaking out of the hotel in the middle of the night makes me look like a coward but I know that I need to just let him be.  If I stay, I will make things worse.  He deserves better.