Day 1
It takes me awhile to realize you are actually gone. I sit in my apartment, cooped up for awhile, drinking whisky. I try to forget our memories, or just for a little while. I can't handle the pain anymore, knowing I caused you so much. I went to your funeral today. There was a huge picture of you at the front of the church. It was the one I picked out. I had taken it when we were on a date. You were smiling wide, your hair pulled back in a ponytail. It was my favorite picture, the one that's in my wallet, framed above my bed and imbedded in my head. I stared at the black casket just sitting at the front, holding my beautiful fiancé. I tried to imagine you walking down the aisle in a white dress but all I saw was black. That's how my life was without you. I guess I can only blame myself. I'm the one who caused this to happen.
Day 2
It's not any easier the next day or the next. I keep seeing flashes of you everywhere. I see you making us breakfast in the morning but when I go to grab you, you disappear as if you were never there. I see you on the couch, reading a magazine, complaining about all the models. I see you curled up in my bed in the yellow t-shirt you've always liked. I was going to put it in your casket but I just couldn't bear not seeing it anymore. It reminded me of you too much to let it go. I see you bringing in coffee from the brew and setting it on the table. And the thing I see most of all, is our kisses. I see you perched on the counter top as I suck on your neck. I see you as we kissed in the rain. I see you run to me outside of school and leap into my arms. I see everything and I know this is your way of getting back at me. You're making me remember the good times. The times when you were happy. Now those memories we're torturing me and they would never stop.
Day 3
Now all the colors remind me of you. I saw a purple flower today and it reminded me of the beautiful purple dress you used to wear. I saw the color blue and thought of the rain we used to kiss in. I saw the color green and thought of the bench we used to sit on. It was in the middle of the park and grass was flowing in the wind, everywhere. I saw the color black and it reminded me of your funeral.
Day 4
I left the house today. You followed me down the stairs and into the brew, where I got my sympathy looks. I didn't need them. They didn't make me feel any better. Someone called my name and I turned around. For a second, it sounded so much like you, but it wasn't you. It was Nicole. The one who'd caused all this mess. I turned to her and she told me how sorry she was. I just couldn't look at her right now. She was alive and healthy. That's all I had wanted to know. I didn't know that I'd kiss her when I saw her. I hadn't even planned on seeing her alive ever again. I had texted you the night before and told you I was coming home in the morning. I got up bright and early to board the plane but was stopped by the police who took me to where Nicole was. I saw her and I was just so happy she was alive so I kissed her. I didn't feel anything but pain when her lips touched mine. I thought about you at home. I thought about how I was betraying you. I pulled away but not quick enough to have the whole kiss televised. I was going to come home and confess to you about it. I was going to tell you the whole story. How old habits just took control and I didn't mean it. I was going to tell you that I chose you. That I love you and not her. That I still want to marry you, but now I can't because you're actually gone.
Day 5
I saw your mom and dad today. They looked tired and gave me a harsh look. They hadn't even wanted me at the funeral. Your dad has never liked me, but he was starting to come around and then I had to go and screw everything up. Your mom gave me a dirty look and continued to walk past. Could they not tell that I was hurting too? That this was hurting me the most? The person who had caused this whole thing? I had no one in my corner. You're friends hated me more than they could probably explain. Spencer is alive, Ar. She's okay. I just thought I'd tell you.
They cursed me out over the phone and Hanna came to my door to yell at me. I hope you know how much you're friends cared about you. I hope you're looking down right now, knowing how much of a mistake I made and how I was coming home. I was on the plane when I got the news. They tried to save you, but you didn't want to be saved. You wanted your misery to be over, the misery I had caused. So Aria, I don't know if I'll be able to write anymore letters. It just hurts too much to think about you. So I hope you receive your little love letters to the dead.
