Dear me, Dear you

secondhand smoke

October 4, 16

Dear me, Dear you

I sat on my bed replaying how the day went I was scared to even go home I didn't wanna get yelled at once again but I did any way

Now it's midnight and I'm just here wasting away surrounded in the second hand smoke from an herb

"You'll never be anything!"

"Your worthless to me ant this family!"

"They should have aborted you"

Hot tears welled up in my eyes as their words stabbed me. It's a tiring thought but I just wanna be some one perfect some one with no flaws the girl every one wants. Do you understand?

Everyday is another day that I struggle to keep breathing. I have to rip my self away from my bed because I dread the thought if faking a smile every single day

The one thing that made me truly happy left me once again just a few days ago and I feel so worthless why am I never good enough?

*_____flashback____*

Belle I miss you...-fay

I can't keep doing this Fay
-Belle

Look I know this is gonna hurt but I just I can't keep on pretending like everything is back to normal with us we're still broken up and I just I need you to understand that please I know you said you still love me and you want back with me but that's not what I want.. I don't want to be with anyone right now I want to have a year to myself to get back on track with school and to focus on myself rather than anyone else and I know that sounds selfish but I'm just trying to fix my life and I can't have anyone else to worry about but me
I never wanted to tell you this because I knew it'd hurt you
What if we got back together ? And what if things didn't work out with me again ?
I would've had to break up with you twice and I'm sure it would hurt even more than the first I don't want that to happen and I know if we got back together it would I'm sorry that I put you through all of this
You deserve better someone who'll love you and show it to you every single day someone who'll say how beautiful you are every second of the day that person isn't me I never did any of those things because that's just not the person I am
-belle

My heart stopped when I read what she said everything I had been holding in I let drown me it's as if an internal damn broke within me and now it just won't stop I couldn't breathe it's as if she ripped the heart right out of my chest and made me watch it shatter

My phone lit up with another text

I wanted to give us another chance I really did but I already knew I'd be hurting you again - Belle

And don't you ever dare blame any of this on yourself
Because I swear none of it was you okay ?? - Belle

How could I not blame myself? I'm never good enough never! No matter what I'm just a worthless petty little girl to any and very one

It took me hours and non stop crying to finally text back

I've been trying to find the right words to say all day but I couldn't I've been at loss and honestly I still am  but since nothing really matters anymore I'm gonna tell you the truth and let everything out I've been saying I love you because I did honest I truly did til now ,now I don't know what I feel I don't know what you even are to me right no I don't know if your a lost friend my ex or just a constant repeat of an old heart breaking memory I constantly told myself not to get attached cause when I do people were gonna leave and what happened you left but I should've expected it  that's normal for me everyone leaves I'm hurt really Fucking hurt I'm probably not even gonna come around anymore but that's probably what you want since everything was just pretend did you Even care at all? I Fucking hate myself I do blame myself because I could have been better but I wasn't I never wanted this but you can't say I didn't try belle because I did I pleaded for you to love me again but you don't and bam reality obviously hit me I don't wanna hurt any more but I have my own solution for that problem your hand just wasn't mine to hold and I guess it never truly will be I don't hate you i hate the choice you've made I won't ever look at you the same belle cause I'm Fucking broken but it was bound to happen things always happen for a reason right? Anyways I respect you decision I won't come around any more because of it I didn't want this to be this way I truly hope you can be happy I hope you find what you want in life I wish you happiness goodbye belle -fay

I waited and waited for a response but never got one hours went by and all I could do is cry and lay there as if the world stopped turning

"Why am I never good enough?"

_______end of flashback_______

I hate all the words that I could never just spit out Like every one else I hate these feelings i hate my self why am I me? What did I ever do to deserve this?

Sincerely me,  

I guess I'm just rendered heartless surrounded in endless secondhand smoke..