Dear me, Dear you

drowning loudly above sea

October 12, 2016

Dear me, Dear you

My body feels limp as I try to peel it off my bed I drag my feet every step feeling like a mile away

I don't wanna go to school and face today because I know it wouldn't get me anywhere

I know things probably aren't as bad as what they seem but I feel as if I'm in hell but I'd rather be here than home

I went to first period thankfully there was a sub I didn't wanna have to pretend I'm okay and lie to my favorite teacher

The sub seemed to under stand my upset state and didn't mind quite so much when I put my head phones in I loved my music it understands me like no one else

I hit shuffle and pressed play to the first song that popped up it was one of my favorite songs by a recent band I discovered

"I spend a lot of time above water.
In fact, I spend most of my time in my room.
Lately that's made me wonder
if I've given up on trying to be someone new.
Because I don't like who I see,
each morning when I look in the mirror.
In fact it's the only thing I fear,
that I'm empty inside these bones.
I'm not scared of ghosts,
I embrace them all as friends,
because one day I'll be dead,
and they will know my name.
So I've been counting down my life,
existing in hours,
to see what I have left.

If I see 25, i'll be surprised.
If I see 32, I'll take every letter I wrote to you
and bury them alive.
If I see 44, well I haven't thought that far."

I hummed the tune as the soft voice of the lead vocalist from sorority noise rung through my ears and sent shivers down my whole body and back up again

Tears started to dwell up in my eyes this song really got to me on such a personal level

Do you know what it feels like to be stuck in the damn middle all the time not knowing how to feel at all

You don't know if your sick and tired and want to end it all or if your butterflies and rainbows filled full of sunshine or maybe I'm just numb body's just stuck in zero not wanting to move all ways zoned out never knowing what to say not thinking about what to do maybe that's why I lost you?.

I never know what to feel first I'm hurt wanting to cry my bloody eyes out then I'm happy full of joy and radiance I'm always in the middle always so numb feeling so worthless all the Fucking time

I twisted the ring I bought during the summer it was a plain design on a stainless steel band with a beautiful shimmering blue gem in the middle it was fake of course but I didn't care the ring touched me on a certain level of happiness when I first seen it

It reminded me of the simplicitys in life and how they can still be beautiful even if there plain

I don't wanna be here right now I still dint know what exactly to feel the twisting in my gut tells me I need to cry my bottom lip Is quivering and my eyes are watering but my head yells "STOP!" but everything else whispers "go" and I'm just in a dizzy state drowning above water in all this confusing mess

Sincerely me,

    I miss you so much kitten..