Rape? Abuse? Sex? Yeah, Been There, Done That!

How?

Here I am. Sitting in this cold dim room, surrounded by people who THINK they know me. People who THINK they know how I feel. I feel trapped that's what I feel. I don't want to be here. I can't get help like this. This is torture.
"Katie.. How do you deal with it?"
"Deal with what?"
"The feelings?"
"Whaddaya mean?"
"How do you handle all the mixed feelings? How do you cope with it? What do you do?"
".......... Keep living."
"Why? Is it worth it?"
"I don't know. Truth be told, I honesty have no idea if its worth it. I was told that it is. That it gets better. But haven't you been told that too?" I leaned forward in my chair. "They tell that to every person that feels bad. They don't know if it gets better or not. They don't really care about me." The instructor of this venting class cut me off, "WE care about you." "Whatever. You get paid to say that. People don't really care. They say that to make themselves feel better. They don't give a shit about you, even If you give a shit about them, and even if they seem nice at first, they're only there until you mess up, because when you mess up they're gone. People don't care. So to answer your question.. No. No it's not worth it............. It's sad that sometimes I feel like I have to be 6feet under for somebody to actually care." My eyes had a burning sensation. So I grabbed my bag and ran out of that room. I say in the hall to let a few tears fall, before cleaning myself up and putting myself back together. I saw Braden in the hallway, sitting with my nurse.
"I'm leaving." The nurse chased after me.
"Your class session isn't over."
"I don't care."
"We'll you're still in a bad condition. Go lay down in your bed." I wanted to let out a scream but I found it unnecessary. I just laid there. I didn't feel a thing. I hated this feeling, but I was rather familiar with it by now. The feeling of emptiness. I let myself drift off into a deep sleep.
I woke up the next morning in that same hospital bed. I was allowed to go home, and as soon as I woke up Braden was there ready to take me home, but I didn't feel pleasure. I felt.. Something. I didn't know what.
As we drove in the car Braden began to talk to me. "I'm so glad you're safe. All I did was think about those cruel words he said to Trevor. Every minute he talked it played in my head. "Because you're a fuckup." Braden was supposed to be different. He was supposed to be the nice one, but now... Now I look at him with different eyes. Couldn't he see Trevor was hurting? Didn't he see the fear in his eyes. Didn't he see he needed help? I saw it. I saw the brightness behind the monster he showed himself as. I could see past it. All he wanted was love. All he got was a bullet.
Braden kept talking and I couldn't take it.
"Why'd you say that, Braden?"
"Say what, Katie?"
"Why'd you call him a fuckup?"
"Katie..."
"No I want to know why?"
"Obviously because he was hurting you. I just wanted you to be safe."
"And you thought THAT would make me feel 'safe'!"
"Katie, you know I love you! You know I care about you! Why are you trying to turn this on me?"
"Because that's where you're wrong! I THOUGHT you cared about me! I THOUGHT you loved me.." A thought came to my mind and tears came shortly. All I could say was, "No... No.. Oh Gawd!"
"Katie what's wrong?!" Braden was frantic. I pushed passed my tears.
"Braden.."
"Yes?"
"How did you know where to find me?"
Braden took a gulp.
"HOW! DID YOU KNOW WHERE TO FIND ME, BRADEN!?"