Sanity: The Saw Chronicles [C]

Chapter 50 | Tender Memories

Ricky was right. I did need to get out of that room. At this point, I can't get the smell of hospital out of my nose. It's been so long since I've got to fight and do what I do best. All Kuza does is sleep anyways. He doesn't know who I am right now either. So, I figure I might as well go do something more productive. Ricky said that he couldn't find any files to help Ryan but he knows someone that might be able to help. That someone happens to be at this conference in Japan. Funny how things work out.

I didn't ask Kuza straight out if he knew who I was but I can just tell. If he did know who I was, he'd be telling me how much he loves me. He does remember Chris, which tells me he has some of his memories. According to Chris, based on some of the things he's said, his mind is at about his freshmen year of high school. The doctors said it'll start to catch up.

As far as Chris is concerned, he's still pretty weak. Ryan is using the same treatment on him as Kuza. It's beneficiary for him to be in Kuza's room then. That's the only person Kuza really cares to see. He gets happy when I walk in the room just because he's grateful I'm caring for him. For all I know, with how jumbled his thoughts are, he could think I'm just an attendant or a nurse or something. Chris has to stay in there to be near the small alter Ryan's built up in that room. And wherever Chris is, Angelo will be right by his side. I don't have to worry about Kuza being alone.

Until he gets his memories back, I need to get out and kill some shit. It's useless for me to be in that room anyways. I'm just taking up space and provided unnecessary stress on his mind. It is hard to feel completely confident knowing what I'm leaving back home. A nice dress and a private plane can only boost your ego so much. I still have some morals, as much as I might hate to admit it.

"Something's bothering you." Ricky said as he approached my seat.

I remained staring out the window at the water below us. We still had hours left in our flight. I sighed, "I feel bad leaving Mike. I know the doctors said that he won't even remember the first six months of his recovery but I remember. I know I skipped out on him."

"Honey, don't think that way. You didn't 'skip out on him' or anything like that. You have a job to do, and you're doing this to help him." He reassured me. "Hey, look at me."

My eyes dragged themselves over to his. Ricky leaned down and kissed me. It was so sweet. I could really feel his love. He loves me. It sounds so dumb and simply to say but think how many people can't say that? I have a good man that loves me. In fact, I have two. That's more of a curse than a blessing. Maybe Kuza won't get all his memory back. It's possible for him to become stuck where he is. He maybe never remember me...

He'll never remember all I've hurt him. That's true, but it also means he'll forget the good times we've had together. Despite all the anger and lust, we did have good memories from Graham. The times we'd sit in the court yard together and laugh at all the gangsters that thought they were so cool. We'd share a cigarette and he'd sing to me from time to time. I remember a few times, he'd start to get embarrassed and would begin to make out with me as an excuse to stop. I wish I wouldn't realized back then that he would hold me the way he held me the night we made love. Fuck... If I could choose any memory to give back to him, it would be that one. I don't want him to forget that night.

Ricky had managed to make his way on top of me. I fell back into the space between the bench seat and the window. He wasn't trying to fuck me or anything like that. Ricky just wanted to kiss me and feel close to me again. Unfortunately for the both of us, my mind was wandering off. I was thinking too much about Kuza. As soon as I started to recall that night, my eyes welled. Ricky broke away from me the second he reached I wasn't kissing him back.

"Baby, what's wrong? What did I do?" He asked. His eyes searched mine frantically for an answer he wouldn't find.

I sniffled, sitting up more, "It's not you. I was... I was just thinking about Mike."