My Life

22. A Phase of Depression II

It was another Friday, and no, he didn't come to my class.

He need came to my class after the report happened.

And I asked him

"Okay your mum wants us to break up, but do you want?"

He was silent.

Then he changed topic.

Then suddenly he told me that this is not the right place to talk.

I said "huh?" Cause he talked a bit too fast.

He said "nothing"

Me: I wanted you to come to my class but apparently you are doing Arduino (without inviting me even though I'm your teammate) and so I don't expect you to go to my class bringing your laptop, that's okay. But do you have time next friday?

Him: wait.. I don't know yet.

Me. It's okay. I'll call you and reconfirm.

Last night, he said he would let me bring him to my class. But in the end he didnt.

It's okay. Time will decide stuff. At least we talked.

I'm willing to be just his friend, if he wants.
Things are getting a little better. Maybe because my way of thinking is more positive now.
But it's true. Because we are in talking terms now even if his replies are short. We had fun with a laptop app of his, a french app
And I saw him smile. And so of course I smile when I see him smile. I really hope he will tell me everything. I hope we've got nothing to do next Friday so we can talk.

Yesterday night's call went pretty well though. Because I didn't let the awkward silence hang in the air. I just keep asking questions.

***

Things are not okay yet. They are getting better, but not okay yet.

I guess he didn't say it because I didn't ask, but you know that he should say it if he feels it even if I didn't ask, isn't it?

I'm scared to ask because of that. I would rather let him be silent because I didn't ask, than ask and see his response that has 2/3 probabilities that would be either silence or saying no.

What if, when I ask, he is silent? What would that mean then? It would only break my heart and leave me in confusion, because he can't even decide whether he loves me.

What if, when I ask, he says no? That would break my heart and also leave me in confusion, because how could a love, unless it's just an attraction, end so fast?

If I don't ask, and he never tells me anything, I can still lie to myself that he might be still loving me. It isn't completely a lie. It is an assumption, and a true one too. I can at least use it to comfort myself. And that's what I'm doing right now.

I will ask it only after we find time to talk, or when I'm desperate.

But I believe I need to be very patient, and therefore I won't ask it until he tells me everything.

I haven't told him this for a long time, that I love him. Maybe I should, but I stopped when I'm kinda sure he will never say anything back anymore.

Maybe I should tell him I love him so that he can tell me that too because he is scared that I want to break up with him, and he loves me but he doesn't know whether I still love him. Because it's been around two or three weeks that I haven't said I love him to him.

But then, when a person has real courage and when he really loves me, does he even need to have my confirmation before telling me that he loves me?

For me, I think he needs the confirmation, and I will give it, but not now because he hasn't really told me anything.

I love him so much. It doesn't hurt so much now because the hope that he actually loves me is getting stronger.

He doesn't delete the call logs you know? His mum sees everything.

I can say nothing but that he's really dumb. He could've just delete the call logs like.. if I give him ten calls just reduce it into two or three. Or just delete all and call someone else to hide it away.

But it's okay.

His mum tells him that we could still be friends. And that's good, but how could she change to be kind so suddenly? For me, it's just quite impossible. But still, I don't want to just be friends with him.

My friend says that she did that maybe because she knows that her son would be indignant and rebellious if she asks us to not be even friends. And then, when we break up and be friends, she'll slowly brainwash him and then we'll drift apart.

My thought is, maybe she realized that I'm good enough not to be a bad influence to her son, and that there's really no point in separating us but we still cannot date during school so she asks us to break up.

Both are possible but I really have no idea what to actually believe. I'll just have to see what he tells me and still be careful.

Thank God for making it better.

***