My Life

26. Patience

Darling I know love is not all, but nothing is all either. A little of everything is all we need, but we will never reach that, thus we aim for what we possibly get, and that is to love as long as we can.

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22 August on Monday, I did something unexpected, something I shouldn't have done, something that makes me feel like there's really something wrong with me.

A counselor stepped into my class, telling me that my levels of anxiety and depression are very high, and my stress level is high. Then she started giving boring advices to me along with 3 other people who has about the same problem as I. I tried asking whether I could leave but got ignored.

At one certain moment when I talked to my friends I got scolded saying that I should share my problems wih the counselor, not my friends. That made my patience a little unstable. And then, she told me this, "You are easy to give up." She turned to the others, "This is why I can't advise her. She has already given up."

I replied, "I haven't given up on anything in my life. If I had, I wouldn't be here right now. If I gave up, I'd have been suiciding," but she kept saying, "No, you're easy to give up."

After a minute of this heated conversation, I lost my head and I stood up to leave no matter what because I couldn't cool down anymore. But the counselor raised her voice asking me where I was going and that I should sit back at my place. I nearly screamed. I said, "Don't. I am trying to keep calm and respect you as a teacher but you are not making it easier. I haven't gave up and you should never say that I gave up."

She told me, "Ruth, you don't respect me."

I was sitting down on a chair and I saw red when she said that. I shouted, "I tried to respect you. I haven't given up and I never will! If I gave up, I would have went for suicide!!" And then, I bent down and cried.

Maybe you won't understand me because it is indeed a small matter and I should have been able to bear it instead of exploding. However, this phrase "giving up" always try to make its way into my dictionary, but I refuse to make room for it. And now, when the counselor made it a statement, that I gave up, it was unbearable. For me, it will not be the truth and should not be the truth or a statement with a dot sentencing me. She could say that I nearly gave up, but she cannot and should not say that I gave up.

I'm struggling everyday to not give up, to fulfil that unspoken promise I made to you, to not hurt myself with anything, knife, whatsoever. I remember when you asked me to promise and I said I can't. But I am touched that you actually care and I made a promise right then, looking into your eyes, not by words, but with my heart. And now there's someone who contradicts me, as if all my efforts are useless, that I already gave up.

I shouldn't have raised my voice even if she was unreasonable. I lost control. I didn't know I would do that to a counselor, or at school. That outburst was, surprising. I apologized minutes after, telling her that a counselor should never tell anyone that the person gave up. She was calm, and for that, I was thankful to God. I hope she won't mark me as emotionally unstable, although that makes me think about myself, whether I have something wrong with me.

My friends say that I have been patient and strong for a very long time, and this is already good enough. They say, if they were me, they would've cried everyday they went home. I wonder though, whether I am that strong, because I don't feel like it, and I really don't have enough patience.

You're the expert at being patient, for me. You don't show your emotions easily. I wonder how you developed that skill. I would like to have that skill, but at the same time, I don't like the skill because it makes you harder for me to read.

You're the piece of me I wish I didn't need. I still fight, and you're what I base on. I will not give up.

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