27. Decision Made

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September 2 Friday

The French project that I met him in, we planned to join it again the next time it opens, and that time is now.

Last week, he asked me to find out whether only two teammates are allowed or are three allowed. The more the merrier, he said. I knew, then, that he somehow changed his mind about us together.

I went and searched and it says there's only two persons allowed. I showed him. And he said, why do I want to join.

Me: Do you remember?-

Him: Nope

Me: Remember when we planned to join together... but now I can see that you don't want me at all

Him: *silence*

Me : The silence says it all

Him: Yeah

Me: So go find yourself a partner, and I will help from the background just like during January.

Him: *silence*

Me: well you know I'm a person like this.. Once I help, I will continue to help forever

Him: I can see that

Me : *contemplating whether what he said was sarcastic*

Me : Find yourself a partner

Him: I need to go to the toilet.

He went and never came back until it was time for his class to start.

I went to him and whispered I love you to him and walked away.

His friend sang this "We don't talk anymore, we don't talk anymore", and laughing at us.. kinda

Me : Yup. Sing that.

Me : *walks out not looking back*

***

September 7 Wednesday

I saw him today and my heart broke a little more, but I managed to smile and walk away.

I looked all around for him and I didn't see him, and just when I gave up, while I was talking with someone, a guy came, his classmate, he asked "He changed his new (something I don't remember), do you like it?", and pointing to Chaol.

It was in a busy hallway and when I saw him suddenly I can't even understand what his friend was talking anymore.

I said no. His friend said, "oh..." and walked away, and me and him we're still kind of staring at each other, me with my head turned to him and him facing me directly, but we don't have eye contact.

Then I broke the moment and tried to walk through the mass of people and he did the same. Then he was gone upstairs and I went ahead.

He didn't speak to me so I did not either.

He appeared just when I least expected it.. just when I thought it would be a really good day

I'll hug him and I'll tell him that if he doesn't give an answerby 19th September, it means that this is the last time I'm hugging him and that this would be the end of us. That I hope he will remember me and find someone better and know that I still love him. That I will only be a friend. That's it.

If I don't get to hug him I'll still be telling the same thing.

If he answers anything other than staying with me, I'm breaking up with him. No what ifs... And if he leaves me alone and says he is busy and goes rushing to the staffroom, I'm breaking up with him. If he goes to the washroom I'll wait.

Well it's just a simple yes and no statement if he can't even say it and runs away, yes I have to and I will break up with him, no what ifs.

Only one exception, he is absent.

I'll be waiting outside his class, and therefore there's no such excuse as me having no chance to see him.

If he just gets missing, and the reason is not that he is absent, then yes, I'm breaking up with him because he completely knows that the decision should be made on that day.

So what if I am in solitude? I can easily find another if I want to, insincere ones, like him.

And why do I want insincere ones?

And don't you know that I feel alone even when I'm in this relationship because he isn't doing his part? So what if I cry? It's gonna end anyway, sooner or later.

When I'm free of him, most probably, I will be able to concentrate more on my studies, and eventually, I hope that would help me in my studies and I'm going to prove that I am able to have an excellent result to everyone, especially his mum.

Because his mum is in the parents and teachers organisation and she knows that I had good results and she told me that I was gonna get a bad result if I continue being with her son
But so what if she was true, it was also partly her fault and thus I'm gonna show her that his son cannot do any freaking permanent damage to me.

Let him have another girlfriend that's better than me, if he is lucky.

But because of karma, maybe he won't be lucky, and next time, that girl would be the one who breaks his heart, and I'm pretty sure at that time he would be around 18 already, even if he isn't, his mum would know about it like how she magically knows me, and then if my results were good, I bet she would regret that she ever forbid me and him to be together, because I am a much better person than that other girl.

But then, it will be a little late.

His mum.. I don't really want anything to do with her.

But I hope that he gets someone better than me, or if he doesn't, he will realize how good I was to him, and then maybe, just maybe, want me again.

That would be really impossible and now I might hope for that but when I'm older I know I might be moving on and I'll only hope that he remembers me, not that he wants me anymore.

Because I know, I now only want my ex boyfriends to at least remember me, not come back for me, because I really wouldn't want them anymore

But this one is a little different, I do want him to come back for me, at least for now.

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