My Life

28. We Broke Up

19th September

Monday

It was right after the school holidays, and just a day before my birthday.

I stayed back and waited until his recess.

As the time came, I saw him, went up to him and said... You want to break up?

He said.. yeah, yeah I guess.. I don't know

me: Stay friends?

him: yeah! yeah I guess

me: maybe try again in the future?

him: what?

me: try again in the future

him: yeah okay

Me: *a sudden thought comes* Wait. We're friends right?

Him: yeah?

Me: We're friends! we can talk

him: yeah

me: its my birthday tomorrow.

him: I know

me: can you hug me? *silence* as a friend?

him: *silence* happy advanced bday

me: okayh

me: thanks

him: *nods*

We went separate ways.

Suddenly he turned back and said bye. I said bye too.

Then I saw him shortly after and said bye again loudly but he did not hear. A word escaped me. "stupid" was the word.

Yeah. It was an empty corridor save for a few juniors.. and so I shut myself up after saying the word.. cause I wouldnt want them to know theres something between me and him.

Because he was already far away and you dont just stand on empty corridors and call the person far away stupid.

I cant help but wonder how I could have smiled the whole time, because my heart was so so sad.

I'm glad I expected the result and prepared for it from so long ago. At least it didn't come as a shock.

But I do want to cry and hasnt been able to just because I expected it.

***

I finally cried but it was at an inappropriate time therefore I stopped.

I didn't wish before I blow the candle... I guess I will let God decide what the wish can and will be. Yeah He knows what's best.. but I wish breaking up wasn't the best choice.

I saw him today, but he didn't wish me.

He didn't wish me. His best friend did. And his other best friend even wanted to give me a gift. I am not even attached to them.

I wonder why he didn't say anything.

My classmates sang me happy birthday twice.. once around 9 oclock.. once around 11.

I was damn. Damn touched.

They sang it twice.. no one in class ever got their birthday sang twice.

And when my family sang.. I just.. couldn't control my tears anymore.. I blew the candle alright but when they asked me to pray I couldn't.

Then I went to wash my face in the sink.

And I came back, cut the cake, put it on a tissue, and the tears came again.

I went to the toilet and cried around five minutes, trying badly to stop. Yes, it's about my birthday but it's also mostly about him.

I came back, took a bite of that cake, and the damn tears came again, and I stopped it.

And now, now I'm crying again

My heart.. hurts so much

Why did he ever had to say that he liked me?

Curiosity kills, truly.

I only wanted to know about him because I heard he's good in french and maybe better than me.

I got what I wanted.. and more.

Far.. far more than I ever wanted.

I couldn't cry in front of my family because they wouldn't understand.

I was thinking to myself,

So what if I'm pretty today?
So what if they bought me gifts?
So what if its my birthday?
So what if so many people wished me?

We are no longer together.

So why do I want it to be perfect?

This sixteen is not just sweet.. Its bittersweet, so much that I'll never forget it.

I can't stop crying. I think I've never cried so hard in my life and I wish I can break into a thousand pieces.

Flashbacks keep coming back. I don't remember when, but I drank from his bottle before.

I can't stand it, I can't stand it. Why did he ever even had to love me even for that short period of time?

Why did even let me hold his hand?

I knew he wasnt the one. I never promised him forever nor did I ask him to promise me forever. But I can't accept it.

I found out that the people I really fall in love with are always funny guys, because Nate is one. He just makes me smile most of the time I see him.

Like for the ten times I see him.. 9.5 of them he makes me smile.

See even yesterday, he made me smile.

But why... why him.. why did it have to be him, and how long do I even have to cry?

My head feels like breaking.

My brain can't process the pain.

Maybe because I accepted him as he is, fully fully accepted him as he is.

The day I wrote that long pharagraph to his mum.. I knew I truly truly love him

I shouldn't have cried that hard anyway.

When I woke up I had swollen eyes.

It was the first time I had swollen eyes after crying.

I can already feel the memories trying to slip away.. but I wish I have time to write them all down before they go.

***

I looked at the floor today while walking so that if he's there I won't have to look at him and get hurt.

I was already shocked enough when I didn't take care, looked ahead and saw his friends. When I saw his friends the inner alarm was like "oh damn he's somewhere there. Where? Where? Don't look. You don't want to see him. No I want to see him. No you'll get hurt. £×&$&$;*@

It's not my style, looking downwards while walking. I always looked ahead so that if there's anyone that I know, I can say hi.

Because I have limited him to only Fridays. I'll face him only on Fridays because I don't want to be ready to get hurt all the time

People said its time that I find someone else, because that someone could heal my broken heart. Yes, but I don't know if I can trust boys anymore.

What if I just find another crush and that crush doesn't care about me and then it would be the same story all over again...

I had a little crush on Nate and it evolved to be this love.

I didn't know. If he never said he liked me I think that crush would have been gone by now.
I only have had one huge crush that never went away for three years on someone and it's a crush that hurts because he doesn't like me back.