Status

Status Update #17

Status: Happiness is a choice.

Panandalian akong natulala. Gusto ko pa sanang sampalin ang sarili ko para masiguradong hindi ko lang guni-guni ang presence ni RJ sa harap ko. Medyo matagal na rin kasi kaming hindi nagkakaharap. May times na nakikita ko siyang naglalakad or from afar. Pero 'yung ganito kalapit at tipong mag-uusap pa ay matagal nang hindi nangyayari. At  paano niya nalamang nandito ako? Nagkataon lang ba o sinundan niya ako? At bakit ako biglang kinabahan sa gusto niyang pag-usapan namin?

"Ha? Ah eh..." I want to say yes but Logan is already waiting.

"Sige na. This won't take long."

"O-okay. Have a seat," I told him while offering the seat across me. "Ano bang pag-uusapan natin?"

"Uhm, first of all I'm sorry kung hindi na kita masyadong nakakausap. I just have some things going on."

"Wala 'yun. I understand." No I don't understand! Mano ba namang magtext lang kahit minsan or dumaan sa HS office. Wala talagang paramdam na kahit ano eh. Pero sino nga ba naman ako para magdemand?

"And I see that somebody's been keeping you company."

"Ha? Sino, si Francine? Syempre naman, bestfr..."

"No. Si Logan."

Oh okay. So what?

"I've seen the two of you around. Together. Can I ask you something?"

Sa totoo lang, hanggang ngayon hindi ko pa rin matumbok ang gusto niyang sabihin. I can't read him. Medyo nagsasalubong 'yung dalawang kilay niya pero parang patay ang kabuuang ekspresyon ng mukha niya.

"Oo naman. Tungkol saan?"

"Is he courting you?"

Oh. About that pala. "Uhm...yes," ang mahina kong sagot.

"So totoo pala 'yung narinig ko."

"You've heard about him courting me?"

He nodded. "Ako na lang 'ata ang hindi naniniwala. Not until I hear it straight from you."

"Well, now you know."

There was a few seconds of silence and then, "Are you happy?"

Woah! What kind of question is that? Saan galing 'yun?

"What do you mean?"

"Are you happy with him? Does he make you happy?"

Alam kong madalas kong napag-iisipan ito and each time na sumasagi ito sa isip ko ay isa lang naman ang sagot ko - oo. He makes me happy with all his funny and thoughtful ways.

"Because if you're not happy with him then it's my chance to make you," he continued.

Ha? Ano daw? Chance na daw niya? "What?"

"I've always known that Logan likes you. He told me that he was going to court so I had to back off."

"Back off?"

Wow naman Camille Dawn, panay na lang tanong ang sagot mo. Wala na ba talagang mas maayos na sagot na lalabas sa bibig mo?

"I... like... you, Camille."

Kilala niyo ba si Keroppi ng Sanrio? Alam niyo ba kung gaano kalaki ang mga mata niya? Ganun kalaki ang mata ko ngayon sa sobrang gulat sa ginawa niyang pag-amin.

"RJ...."

"I've developed a crush on you since that night we met at the restaurant. You're so funny, hindi ka maarte, you are confident pero hindi ka snob or mayabang like the other girls who are as beautiful as you. Masaya ako na naging magkaibigan tayo. Akala ko I can start from there... build something from there. But Logan came along."

"Why did you stop?"

"I had to. Logan is a friend. I didnt want..."

"No RJ. Why did you stop being my friend?" I think now this is my frustration talking. "Sinabi mo masaya kang naging magkaibigan tayo pero bakit ka lumayo nung lumapit na si Logan? Magkaibigan lang din kami noong umpisa. Pwede ko naman kayo maging kaibigan ng sabay, di ba? Pero bakit mo ako biglang iniwasan at iniwan sa ere?"

"Because I didn't want to be just your friend. I want to be with you pero hindi pwede kasi nandyan na si Logan."

"So ganun na lang 'yon? You made a decision for the two of us. Hindi mo man lang ba naisip kung anong iisipin ko kapag umiwas ka?"

"Camille, I didn't want to stay away." He bowed his head for a while before looking at me again. "I can't.... nagseselos ako kapag nakikita ko kayong magkasama lalo na kapag nakikita kitang masaya na kasama siya."

"So why are you saying this to me now? Ilang buwan na ang lumipas tapos ngayon mo lang sinasabi ang lahat ng ito?"

"I'm leaving for Manila soon. And I didn't wanna go without telling you. And maybe..."

"And maybe what? Na kahit sinabi mong aalis ka na eh sasabihin ko ring gusto rin kita at magiging okay ang lahat?"

"No, it's not like that."

"So ano pala? What do you really want from me?"

"I want... I need to... I just wanted to let you know."

"Okay. Ngayon nasabi mo na, pwede ka na umalis. There's somewhere else I need to be."

He slowly stood up. Tumingin siya sa akin na parang hinihintay kung anong susunod kong gagawin. I didn't flinch. I looked back at him and sat still. Hindi nagtagal ay tumalikod na siya at umalis. Doon lang ako nakahinga ng maluwag.

To be honest, there is a very small part of me that's rejoicing dahil finally ay narinig ko rin ang matagal ko nang gustong malaman. Pero may parte din sa akin na parang nagagalit sa kanya... naiinis. Bakit ngayon lang? Bakit ngayon pa... na natutunan ko nang magustuhan si Logan? Ang unfair naman! Ang unfair niya!

Thinking about what he said, parang gusto kong tumakbo at habulin siya. He likes me. That's been ringing inside my head since that moment he left. Ganito 'yung moment na hinihintay ng isang taong matagal nang umaasa. Ito na 'yun. Dapat masayang-masaya ako. I should be doing my victory dance. Pero hindi ko magawa.

Dapat ko ba siyang sundan at bawiin ang lahat ng sinabi ko? Dapat ko bang aminin sa kanya na matagal ko na siyang gusto? Pero paano si Logan? Si Logan na palagi lang nandyan na pinapasaya ako. Ano ba ang sinasabi ng puso at isip ko? Sino ba ang dapat kong piliin?

Patuloy akong nag-isip ng kung anong dapat gawin. I don't know how long I sat there thinking. I should decide and make up my mind now. Walang sense in making it linger. Baka may masaktan lang ako.

Napatingin ako sa labas. Nagulat ako nang makita ko si RJ na nakatayo just outside the coffee shop looking at me. Tinignan ko rin siya hanggang sa napatingin din ako kung nasaan nakaupo si Logan, kanina pa maghihintay. He looked worried and he kept checking his phone.

I then stood up... I've made up my mind. Alam ko na kung anong dapat kong gawin, kung sino ang dapat kong piliin. I'm choosing to be happy. I walked out of the cafe and glanced at RJ before heading to the restaurant where Logan is waiting.

I'm choosing him because he makes me happy.