Coward

Chapter Fourty One

My toes hand over the edge of the sidewalk, dangling over the gutter but of corse you can't see them as I am wearing shoes. Odd converses actually, one blue and one red. My hair is whipped to the side each time a car wizzes past. All it would take is one step and I would be gone, I would ruin the life of the driver with the on going guilt they would feel however I found myself in a rather selfish mood. I smile slightly at the difference just one step can do, whether for good or bad.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side.

And that was what I was doing, I just wanted to get to the other side. I wanted to see what was really waiting for me, was it nothing? Or was it worse?

Just one step....

But a strong gust of wind has me stumbling and placing one foot on the road, a car swerves to avoid me and I take a few steps back, shocked.

"No, this isn't me," I whisper to myself with my head down as I back away until my back hits a building wall and I take a deep breath. When I breath out I think of all the people that wouldn't miss me and would be somewhat happy, those that it would be a sick kind of revenge as I would cause them the pain they made me feel but then those whom I love and that love me and I needs to be strong for them.

I take my fingers through my hair as I murmur over and over again, "I am not a coward, I am not a coward, I am not a coward, I am not a coward, I am not a coward, I am not a coward, I am not a coward, I am not a coward, I am not a coward, I am not a coward, I am not a coward, I am not a coward, I am not a coward."

I say it enough times so I believe it and I find myself finally making a decision.

*************

I asked to met with Josh on the roof of his building, the place held good memories and I think I'm going to need them, we are going to need them.

When I got there he was waiting for me, his eyebrows drawn together in concern as he absurbed my ruffled apparence. His curly hair has grown since me first met and his black eyes held something more in them, I could see the faint out lines in of laugh lines that now lay dormant. He looks like he has been happy recently and that makes me smile softly, I am happy for his happiness.

I join him on the edge of the building so our feet can dangle together over the edge. My shoes sway gently and graze along the brick exterior.

As much as I have liked our silence I don't like this one, yet I am reluctant to break it.

I take a deep breath, I am not a coward.

"Today I almost killed myself," I just let my confession hang in the air. I don't look at him, I'm too ashamed.

"You didn't," he mumbles and I look up to meet his eyes and he looks as if someone hit his heart with a sledgehammer. He looks so broken that it makes my pain seem considerably less significant.

"I didn't mean to, I stopped myself just in time," I whisper, closing my eyes so I don't have to look at his pain anymore.

"I thought you were happy," the guilt in his voice makes me open my eyes to face him again and I see that his eyes are glistening with unshed tears, the setting sun reflected as pink and orange in them.

"I was, you made me happy Josh," I give him a reassuring smile but up doesn't reach my eyes and he sees right through my façade.

"We'll get you help, there is medicine that can help you and you can start seeing a therapist, I just want you to be happy." He says quickly, attempting to promote the idea of a happy world.

However I don't even give him a chance, "I'm taking the art scholarship."

"But that's in England," he says weakly.

"I know."

"So now what? Are you just going to leave me?" His voice holds anger but his eyes show defeat.

"I love you Josh," my eyes start to sting as I hold my tears back, it's suddenly getting really hard to breath with this lump in my throat.

"I love you Florence," his voice has an urgency to it. "I love you so fucking much and I have for a while and I don't think I could ever stop loving you, I regret not telling you earlier."

This is how I imagine dying to feel, I know that I could stop our pain in an instant but yet I push on. I have to be brave but I hate myself so much right now I can not possibly explain it. I hate that I am causing Josh, the man that I have grown to love so much in so much pain, I hate that I am ruined, I hate what I'm about to do.

"Sometimes love isn't enough," I mumble completely and utterly defeated.

"Don't say that, I can fix this, I can fix you. Florence you mean the world to me, let me help you," he pleads grabbing my hand but I retract it like he burned me.

"I'm going to get a tattoo like the one you have," I say instead. "You made an indent on my soul and I want that symbol to me to mean you, but I still want yours to mean nothing because I liked that, I really liked that. God, I really love you."

With those words leaving my tongue I caress the side of his face with my hand before bringing him down to kiss me.

It was full of passion, yet slow and longing full, I forced all my love into it as he responded with just as much if not even more. As the Seconds moved past like that of hours but also like that of milliseconds my heart felt empty but yet full. When we pull away we press our foreheads together, "I am really, really sorry."

"It's okay," is all he says. But I know it's not, it is anything but okay.

"I'm sorry but I need to do this, I need you to never forget about me, about us but let me go and move on." I ask him desperately.

He just doesn't move, he doesn't say anything and I can feel myself crying and I can't stop.

I hate myself so fucking much.