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Badlands: Meaningful Waste by SheaStephanie

 By SheaStephanie  

Title: Badlands: Meaningful Waste

His toxins penetrated my bones, and I refrained from accepting that I wanted him until I surreptitiously allowed myself to be lured by his essence. It was no secret this boy was the epitome of what I wasn't. I could say I was victimized by him, but that would be a lie in what I undoubtedly sought. His name was like a manifestation of my undoing, and I navigated so closely to the edge thinking I wouldn't be spotted.

But I was.

And ever so quickly did he began his torture.

I'd set my clock back if I had known on my way to meet my friend, Daina, I'd encounter Lukas Dunn.

I didn't loathe him, but I never particularly cared for him. He was one of the boys your parents would tell you to stay far away from, the one you'd be afraid to look in the eyes even if you weren't being threatened.

But it wasn't like that for me. I wasn't afraid of Lukas Dunn. We barely spoke a word to one another yet our eyes always acknowledged the other's existence. He was just a boy my friends knew very well and that I never felt out of place with.

While nothing became of our relationship, there was always an underlining tension between us. We both were aware of it, yet neither of us saw it fit to do anything.

There was one instant when the undeniable truth was so clear, there was no excuse to ignore was happening between us. But somehow, we walked in opposite directions, as if it just simply acknowledging it will destroy us both.

Maybe it was nothing.

Maybe it wouldn't last.

Maybe it would have.

The years of high school have flown past with every one of our encounters becoming more and more strained. I kept remembering how he was centimeters from my lips, how his hands gripped onto my arms, how his eyes were set to fire the longer he stared into my own.

He left me dazed and confused that evening, but I never wanted to admit that I wanted him then. I fought against it for so long, until I saw him last week.

I felt like I was back in high school again as all I could do was look on, but he was different. He was a lot quieter than I remembered but his attitude was still the same. He was funny, he was rude, and he didn't care.

He was also on his way to meet up with Daina because she invited him to her beach party. I don't know why I'm so surprised that he would be there since he was one of her close friends.

The entire day was a disaster for me because I was playing Marco polo with Lukas. I didn't want him to see me and I kept getting uncomfortable in his space. It annoyed me that he seemed unaffected by me and the fact that I was avoiding him.

He didn't care at all.

But I cared too much.

Maybe that's why I feel like crap right now. I gave into temptation only to have it bite me in the ass at a moment's bliss. Lukas wasn't a bad guy, he just doesn't have any attachments. I knew what it was getting involved with him, but I wanted to know what it was like the be touched by him. I thought if I finally have him, the unfulfillment would go away. I thought the tension would subside.

But I kept going back to him.

I'd wake up alone in his bed. I'd judge the events of the drunken night from the soreness between my legs and the love bites all over my body. I'd wait for call-girls hour for him to acknowledge me; for him to actually exist again.

Every day I told myself it wasn't worth it. I knew I deserve better.

But here I was, stuck going back and forth on what I want everytime I wake up in his bed. The end of summer was drawing near and I don't want to think about what would happen to me then.

Everyone will be forced to go back to their lives while I'll still be stuck here in this room. Every part of myself I held in sacredness was embedded in the sheets, in the woodwork, in the atmosphere.

I'll be trapped in his badlands, and I sure as hell know he won't try to save me.

I know all of this, yet I'm still here. Why am I still here?

The End.