Starting Over

16. Guilt

Three months have come and gone since I've moved already and I must say in the three months that everything has changed, I feel much happier. The only thing that has raged my anger was the situation when Jake came to my house before school.

I have three more months until school is over. When school is over things will change. Like having Miki and Emily living with me. I will also be going to college to start my future career in personal training.

***

"Can you come to the gym with me?" I ask.

"I'm free now if that's when you're going," Jackson suggests.

"Yeah, I'm going now,"

"Alright, I'll pick you up in five," He says and the line goes dead.

After fifteen minutes I start to worry about Jackson's whereabouts, he did say he was picking in five minutes.

While I wait for Jackson my phone starts to ring. I look to see who the caller is and notice it is Jackson. Alrighty then.

"Hey, where are you?" I lightly chuckle.

"Hi, Ella? This is Jackson's mum, you need to come to the hospital now!" She hangs up the phone and I grab my phone and keys and drive to the hospital.

As soon as I got to the hospital and find Jackson's room. I see his mum, I'm assuming and a little girl which I'm guessing is Jackson's little sister he told me about back at home when we were in the pool playing ten questions.

"What happened to Jackson?" I ask, my voice cracking as I stand restless in front of her.

"He had a car accident," As soon as she said those four words I immediately felt guilty.

"Oh my gosh, this is all fault. I was the one who asked if he wanted to come with me to the gym and he said he would pick me up. On the way to my house, he had the accident." I blurt out as tears start to fill my eyes.

"Sweetheart it's not your fault. Jackson was driving safe and it was a drunk driver that t-boned him." Jackson's mum said rubbing my shoulders.

"You may think it's not my fault but if he wasn't driving to my house, none of this would've happened," I say as tears drip down my face. I slide down the white cold wall of the hospital and bury my head in my knees.

"Ella sweetheart, Jackson has told me so much about you and I haven't seen Jackson this happy in a while. I just want you to know that Jackson will never put the blame on you." Jackson's mum says, taking a seat next to me on the floor.

"I'm sorry we had to meet on such bad terms. I'm Ella, Jackson's best friend from school." I say stretching out my arm for her to shake.

"I'm Christine, Jackson's mum." She says shaking my hand.

"Is this Jackson's little sister?" I ask, pointing towards the girl sitting at Jackson's door.

"Yes, her name is Charlotte." Christine pauses like she's about to say something bad. "She was diagnosed with leukemia when she was four, she's had it for a year now. Charlotte's the closest person to Jackson, he would never trade her for the world." She explains. I know exactly what Christine is going through, the trauma of someone you love so very much that has such a horrific disease can really pull them down.

"I know how you feel," I say, Christine looks at me confused. "My mum passed away from breast cancer four years ago. She was my best friend, she was my other half. I am the only daughter of four children and having my mum with me was like having a sister to share my secrets too. I can't do that anymore." Tears run down my face.

"Oh, sweetheart" Christine gasps, embracing me in a tight hug.

Just when I thought I was starting to break down those walls that were created from mums passing, Jackson has to end up in the hospital. I guess you can never be happy forever.

Christine pulls away and looks me in the eye. "I'm not just saying this because Jackson is my son but I'm saying this because I know by, how quickly you got to the hospital and how much Jackson talks good about you, that Jackson means the world to you and you mean the world to Jackson. I bet your mum is looking over you now and is so proud of you for being here to show how much love you have for Jackson and that you're willing to support him through everything." I love this woman already.

"Thank you so much, Christine." I stand up to give her a proper hug.

"Mrs. Tamridge?" Someone says. We both turn around and find a doctor standing at Jackson's door.

"Is everything okay?" Christine asks. I couldn't get any words to form so I just stood there waiting for the news that I am dreading to hear.

"That's what I came to talk about." The doctor pauses but then carries on. "The impact caused by the other car has left a major concussion, four broken ribs that have punctured a lung which has also caused internal bleeding, he has also, torn some of his tissues in the lower back and a green tree ankle fracture. Jackson is still in a coma." He explains. No! This can't be happening.

"Is he ever going to wake up?" Christine asks.

"That's something we are unsure of," The doctor replies.

Jackson could die because of me and I might never be able to say how sorry I am.

"When are we allowed to see him?" I ask out of nowhere.

"You are allowed to visit him now." The doctor says before walking off. I stare at Jackson's door. I don't know if I'm ready to go in there. I'm too scared to see the damage that someone has caused because of me. I can't watch Jackson lay there looking so pale and dead.

Christine interrupts my train of thoughts. "I think you should go see him first." She suggests.

"I can't." I croak out. "I can't go in there knowing I'm the reason for him being on his deathbed!" I yell, Christine, looking taken aback by my outburst. I need to calm my anger before things get out of hand.

"I'm so sorry sweetheart, I shouldn't have said that." As soon as those words came out of her mouth I again felt guilty. She has to deal with the trauma of having her son in a coma and her daughter that has leukemia, I don't want to have to put more stress on her because of my poor actions.

"No Christine, I'm the one that should be sorry. I shouldn't have lashed out at you. Jackson's your son, you should see him before I do. I'm nothing more than a friend, but you are his mother someone more important than a friend."

"Ella, you and Jackson aren't going to be friends for long, I can tell by the way he talks about you that there is going to be something more than just friends." I blush at her prediction. "So why don't we go in there together?" Christine suggests.

"Actually you know what? I think that's a great idea." I say. Christine, Charlotte and I walk in. I stand frozen when my eyes land on Jackson. Bruises and cuts mark all over his face.

What did he do to deserve this? I ask myself.

I walk over to Jackson and every part of me breaks down. Guilt, regret, anger, and sadness rush through my body. I grab a hold of Jackson's hand. A tear drops down onto our intertwined hands.

I can't be here anymore. I can't look at him and not feel guilty! I just can't.

"I've got to go, I'm sorry," I say to Christine. I run to the door and run out of the hospital building. As soon as I get into my car, all the tears that have been kept come spilling out.

Every time my life seems to be on track again something happens to me or to someone who means a lot to me.