Starting Over

17. Waiting and Still Waiting

"Please," Punch. "Wake," Punch. "Up," Punch.

For the past 3 hours, I have been saying those three words over and over again. I can't stop.

I walk over to the wall where my duffel bag is. As I bend down to get my drink bottle and face towel to wipe my sweaty face, a teardrop falls from my eye.

The pain I'm feeling right now is killing me to the point where I want to dig a hole and stay there until someone finds me to tell me everything is now okay.

I lean my back on the wall and slowly slide down and as rainfalls of tears escapes from my eyes.

I need him to wake up, I can't just act like this isn't my fault and that I wasn't the one who initiated it.

Jackson has not only been a good friend but he has changed me so much into a better person and I have been able to trust him and I don't know where I would be if I hadn't asked where room 219 was, more yet if he left.

The sound of the door opening and closing catches my attention.

Jeremy.

"Jeremy!!" I yell, running up to him and jumping into an embrace. I cry all over his shoulder causing his grey shirt to dampen.

"Hey, hey it's okay, everything will be fine," He whispers as he strokes my hair.

Jeremy and I sit on the floor attached to each other as I let all the tears I've been holding for the past three hours out.

***

"What are you doing here anyway?" I ask Jeremy as I take a sip of water from my bottle.

"I had an instinct that something was happening to you and I wasn't just going to dismiss it," Jeremy explains. I nod in response.

"Are you able to tell me what happened?" He asks.

I sigh before giving him the answer, anxiously tapping the water bottle. "Jackson had a car accident and the doctors don't know if he'll wake up... It's all my fault," I whisper.

"Hold up, why is it your fault?" He takes the bottle out of my hands and scrunches his eyebrows.

"Because he was driving to my house so we could go to the gym together. If I didn't ask him to come none of this would have happened. It should be me not him." I look down at my hands, the same hands I used to dial Jackson's number.

Jeremy immediately grabs my hands in his. "Ella, look at me," he demands and I abide by him and look up at him. "I get this is hard but you can't put yourself in a position where you put all the blame on yourself, it's not healthy on you nor the people around you, everything's going to be okay, Ella, I promise," he soothes, trying to calm me down.

"How do you know that though? How do you know if he will ever wake up? How? Just how will you know he's going wake up?" I start to raise my voice. He sighs.

"Have you gone to see him again?" He asks.

"I can't," I say my voice coming out cracked.

"Do you want me to come with you? That might make things a little easier," Jeremy suggests.

"I'll give it a try." Jeremy kisses my forehead, stands back up and grabs his car keys and wallet from the ground we're sitting on.

"Come on, let's go." I nod in response.

As Jeremy and I walk to the car, he pulls me into a side hug. "You know Ella, I noticed that when you visited us with Jackson, I could tell that he had changed you. He changed you into a much more happier, brighter and cheerful person. I hadn't seen you smile like that since before mom passed away. I was so happy to think that my little sister has finally let someone in and can be able to trust them with her life and past. Jackson has changed you, Ella, you deserve him and he deserves you." He finishes his speech.

"I love you, Jeremy," I reply.

"I love you too, sis,"

***

I have managed to get into Jackson's hospital room without any difficulties. I had Jeremy's help and to be honest, I don't know what I would have done if he hadn't of been there with me.

"I'm so sorry about yesterday, I just couldn't look at him without feeling guilty," I apologised to Christine.

"It's okay honey, I understand." She replied. Her eyes flickered over to Jeremy for a split second then she looked back at me, making me realise I hadn't introduced her to my brother yet.

"Oh uh...Christine this is my twin brother Jeremy, Jeremy this is Jackson's mum Christine." They conversed 'hellos' and 'nice to meet you's'.

"Do you want me to give you some time with Jackson?" Christine asks.

"Uh, yes please," I reply. She nods in response, picks up Charlotte and walks out the door. I look at Jeremy just as he was going to say something.

"I'll wait outside." He says walking up to me. Jeremy engulfs me in a huge bear hug. I listen to his heartbeat as he strokes my hair. "Everything will be okay, Ella."

"Thank you, Jeremy, I appreciate it."

Jeremy kisses the crown of my head, "you're going to be okay, too, Ella." He lets go of me and walks out the door. I turn around to face Jackson. I stand here for about thirty seconds then start to walk towards him.

I can do this.

I have to do this.

I move the seat closer to Jackson's bed and sit down. I grab a hold of Jackson's cold, pale hand. I give his hand a little squeeze, waiting for a squeeze back.

Nothing.

"Just a squeeze, just tell me you haven't let me go yet. Please, Jackson." I sob. As I stare into his pale face that has tubes going in and out of his nose. Tears line the brim of my eyes.

"I'm...so...so-sor-ry," I try to say through the heavy sobs. "It's my fault your lying on this bed. I promise you, Jackson, I am not going to leave this chair until you wake up. As selfish as it sounds, I want to be the first person you see when your eyes open. I want to be the first person you talk to when you wake up." I pause, "I can't handle this Jackson. I can't handle the fact that I can't see your handsome smile or your cute laugh and I can't handle how without your presence I don't feel happy, my smiles are forced because of this." I hang my head low as tears fall down onto our conjoined hands.

"I'm staying here Jackson, I promise."