Starting Over

12. Self-Conscious

"Wakey wakey sunshine." I hear Jackson's soft voice ring in my ears.

As I roll over and throw the blanket over my head, a loud moan escapes my mouth.

"Damn girl, I didn't know I make you that noisy." He coos, making my eyes shoot open.

"Asshole," I grunt, as Jackson helps me up.

"Why did you wake me up so freakin early, Jackson?" I whine, sitting up, taking in his morning glory.

"Because it's your first day back at school since the fall and you have boxing first up, so you need to be wide awake," Jackson explains.

The week at home went by pretty fast. Jackson would come by everyday before, during and after school, making sure I was taking my meds and eating. Then on the weekend, my brothers and dad visited as well as Miki and Emily. And now it's that dreadful day of the week. Monday.

"Yeah yeah, whatever you say Dr Tamridge," I say rolling my eyes.

"Ha ha ha, very funny Ella, now get up!" He demands. I slowly get up from the bed and walk towards my bathroom to wash my face, tie my hair up and change into my gym gear.

As I hop out of the bathroom I notice Jackson on the balcony of the room, holding his weight up against the railing. To me, it looks like he's thinking of something serious he doesn't realise that I'm standing next to him until I clear my throat.

"Is everything okay?" I ask. Holding my folded pyjamas in my hand.

"Yeah...why wouldn't it be?" Jackson hesitates, telling me that he isn't exactly telling the truth.

He doesn't meet my gaze, instead he looks out from the balcony. His eyes have changed from the bright blue to a dark blue with a twinge of grey.

I stare at him trying to read what's his feeling and if he's lying or not. And by the constant shifting of his feet and the hand running through his hair is clear indication that there's something wrong.

"You're doing that creepy thing, where you try to read my mind." He states. Finally looking at me but still not meeting my gaze.

"Jackson, it's not reading your mind it's me trying to figure out if your lying or not and from the way you hesitated with the answer to my question I knew straight away that something isn't right. Do you mind telling me what's wrong?" I hold onto the railing beside me.

"Uh, while you were in your bathroom getting reading I got a phone call from Stephanie. She said she knows who pushed you down the stairs and it wasn't by accident." Jackson explains.

"Who is it and why did she do it?" I ask.

"Her name is Jess, I don't think I know her, but apparently she pushed you down the stairs because she saw us in the corridor earlier hugging and she got jealous with how close we've become." He explains turning away again.

"What the fuck?" I place a finger on my chin as I try to think if I know this so-called Jess girl. "Jess sits with us. That's one of Stephanie's best friends." I explain.

"I still don't know who she is," he chuckles.

"Oh my lord, Jackson, she has blonde hair, acne, braces, manly looking girl," I say trying to bring back his memory.

"I GOT IT, I know who she is. But... but I would have never of thought that she had the hots for me? I have barely spoken to her," he throws his hands up in frustration

"Well you should take more notice for the sake of peoples lives including mine," I say walking over to my bed to make it.

Hold up.

I don't even know if he has a girlfriend. Gosh, I don't even know if he's straight.

"Wait a minute, do you have a girlfriend or like a thing, maybe with Stephanie?" I ask not looking up just flattening a pillow.

"No! Are you serious? Me and Steph? No, not happening," Jackson denies walking back into the room but looking down at his phone.

"Oh sorry, I just thought you know..." I trail off. "Anyway, we need to get to school. Let's GO, let's GO." I yell changing the subject. Oops.

"Alright alright, I'm coming."

***

As Jackson drives to school a question comes to mind.

"I have a strange question to ask you," I say looking over at him.

"Go ahead." He nods keeping his eyes on the road in front of him.

"How did you get in my house this morning?"

"I took the spare that you put on the key hook at the front door," He says clumsily.

"Wait, what?! I could've woken up an went crazy on you, thinking you're an intruder trying to kill me?" Jackson chuckles looking at me for a split second before looking back at the road.

"That concussion is seriously messing with you, Blossom. You thought I had a thing with Steph and now you think I'm a freaking serial killer. What's next?" Jackson says.

I scoff in response. "I'm sorry that I'm self-conscious,"

"Well you shouldn't be," Jackson reassures.

"Are you a therapist now?" I say raising my eyebrows and crossing my arms over my chest.

"No, but you shouldn't be so self-conscious," He says turning his head towards me and then back at the road again.

"I was never this bad," I say looking down at my hands that are fiddling with each other.

"Do you mind elaborating on that?" He asks politely.

"I wasn't this self-conscious before my... mum passed away." Tears threaten to pour down my face but are held back when I feel a grip on my thigh. I look down at my leg and notice that Jackson's hand is giving my thigh a reassuring squeeze.

"You didn't have to tell me that." Guilt and sadness explode in his eyes.

"It's alright," I say fanning my face with hands to dry up the tears that are on the waterline of my eyes. I've never been good at staying calm and collected when the subject about mum comes up. No one would if it happened to them, And if you didn't then that person didn't mean anything to you, in a significant way.

Jackson lets go of my leg and places his hand on the steering wheel to take the sharp turn into the school car park. Jackson stops the car but doesn't get out and neither do I. Jackson shifts in his seat so his upper body and face are facing towards me, I don't bother to move. I just stare straight through the windscreen ahead of me.

"Ella," He says softly.

"Mm," I mumble while sucking on my bottom lip and turning my head to face him.

"I haven't been in this situation before so I can't exactly say I know how it feels, but what I want you to know is that I'm here if you need someone to talk to, maybe let out some tears that have been dying to spill." He suggests.

I honestly don't know what I've done for Jackson to stick around, I've been nothing but a bitch. He should be out with his friends enjoying life, instead of hanging around a girl like me that has a concussion, a fractured wrist, and is self-conscious.

"Thank you," I whisper, "you know, you don't have to pretend to be my friend, I'm pretty capable of doing things myself," as soon as those words come out of my mouth I immediately regret it. I watch the flash of hurt run through Jackson but before I can speak, he beats me to it.

"I'm not pretending to anything, Ella and to be honest, I want a change in my life and when you told me you weren't going to move from my desk, I knew right then that you aren't like the others around here. Your not one of those stuck up bitches that rush to their rich daddies when their boyfriends cheat on them and you give a shit. Ella, your different and its the type of different that I want to be around."