feelings: are a piece of shit||dairy

My hair

16.12.2016

So as you may or may not know I have strange hair for a female.
This hair is short.
Not bob short.
Pixie short.
It's short and messy, and very unfeminine.
Did my mum make me do this.
No.
This was my decision, I forced apon my mum.
I made her realize that girls can have short hair, I made her take me down to the hair dresser.
I walked in smiling; knowing no matter what that hair dresser was going to say, by the time I walked out of that door, my hair was going to be above my shoulders and you would be able to see my ears without the wind blowing.
My hair was going to look like a boy from the back.
It was going to be short.
I sat in that chair and she said "Just another trim like usual then" pulling out my messy pony tail and playing with it.
I looked her in the eyes and said "No, I want a pixie cut"
She looked at me as if a 12 year old had just shouted the F-word.
She asked me many time if I definitely want to go through with this.
Every time I said yes.
Once she finally realized I wanted to do this, she pulled out her scissors and took a small piece of hair and cut it so close to my scalp, it looked like something went wrong compared to the rest of my hair.
However I smiled from ear to ear.
And finally I felt like I was myself.
I have wanted shorter hair for ages.
I remember I have not brushed my hair for a month so it was so tangled I could not get it untangled, so in my eyes it would get chopped off so my hair was short.
However my mum got the tangles out, so no short hair for Sammy.
And the reason why I wanted short hair is because I never felt attractive with long hair.
I never felt pretty, with my hair down or up.
It just felt like a swamp, and I really did hate it, I never really admitted it to my self, I just kinda tried to hide it.
In a pony tail in the back of my head.
And then I started getting social mida, such as Instagram and Musical.ly.
And Instagram was no problem it was just a fan of anime, Musical.ly however was different.
It was my face on the Internet and my hair was down when I made them.
Simply because I thought I needed to be feminine to do what I was doing.
I went through a stage of 'tumblr' if that is the right word.
You know when 12 year olds use the word tumblr to describe something that is really arty even thought about 50% of tumblr is fandoms and other 30% is to do with LGBT+ and then 20% is artys bull shit.
So I went through a phase of that in the summer.
And it was when I went to America, I saw so many people with colored hair, band shirts, anime stuff and I realized I wanted to be like this.
So apon return to England, I only wore my black jeans and the few band and anime shirts I had (I had like 3).
So September hit and I went through with cutting my hair.
And I felt happy, finally being myself again.
After years of faking me, I finally was the little emo gay I wanted to be, well sorta.
But I'm getting close and that's good.

~Sammy