feelings: are a piece of shit||dairy

1 minute

17.3.2017

I was sitting against the walls in the PE hall, with Katie next to me.
I was nervous, very nervous.
I was feeling shit, on the way to the sports hall I was reminded of something.
That I am a girl.
That my name is Isabella.
One of my friends was talking to me about the non-binary people in yr 10, and first referred to them with their birth names.
First I was shocked because you don't call someone by their birth name if they don't like it.
And I was reminded that I have a birth name, this person calls me by it a lot, and she knows I'm non-binary.
As I walked into the changing room, I felt like I was swamped with my birth name.
And I got upset.
I became clingy and sad.
I tried not to show it but when we got to the PE hall all the emotions came out.
I wanted to stay with Katie, and I wanted her to comfort me.
But she can't do that if she doesn't know what is wrong with me.
I took a deep breath, "Katie I'm non-binary" I say looking down at the ground.
At first she didn't understand, but with some explaining she was very nice about it.
And I almost cried talking about my dysphoria, but it was okay.
But by the end of lunch I was feeling amazing.
I play my ukulele out side on Friday's with my friends, just so she can help me with strumming and cords.
I was playing Message Man as 2 yr 10s walk past bad 1 yr 11 walked past.
The yr 11 is transgender.
The yr 11 is a he in an all girls school.
And do you know what they did when they walked past, sang along.
I have wanted this boy to notice me since the begin of September when he was wearing a FOB hoodie.
The male asked for my name and I replied with my birth name, I was going to say Sam but then backed out.
My other friend added "She also goes by Sammy" I think this is the only time she had referred to me as Sam.
After that I felt a huge weight off my shoulder.
I found out that his name was Oliver or Oli and he also commented on my folder.
And for this 1 minute of conversation I felt happy.
That 1 minute made me happier then I was the whole day.
It's funny what talking to someone who is kinda going through the same thing as you can do to you in such a short time.
~Sammy