As Long As I Can

Chapter 11

Four years ago

I was in my last year of high school, when I got my heart broken. It was Scott. I have loved him since the eighth grade, but it was only later that he asked me out: at a party. At first, I didn't want to say yes, because he chose another girl over me. But then, I realised that this was my chance to actually get the love of my life and I shouldn't let him slip through my fingers. But, I always wanted him to have someone better than me, I knew I wasn't good enough.
Sitting in my room by an open window, smoking a sigarette I started missing him. We haven't talked for two weeks now and I didn't know why. Usually we couldn't stop  talking, but suddenly, I felt single again. So, I got Sophie to drive me to his house. When we got there, we thought there was nobody home, but we still sat there for a while. And then, we saw a light go on and a girl were standing at the window: Christie. They didn't kiss or anything, but I just knew they had to be together. I mean, they have been friends since forever anyway. Together they fitted better than he did with me. They made each other laugh and I could see he liked her, he just never got to tell her. I told Sophie we should go home and she drove us back.
"Listen," she said to me, "those two have been friends since forever. There must be a reason they have never got together. So don't worry, hey?"
"He knew we were there, Sis. He never came out and he hasn't talked to me in two whole weeks. I think I should let him go."
"He's such an asshole. I honestly don't know what you see in him. Not even his looks make up for it."
This hurt because to me, he did look good and to me he wasn't an asshole and it felt like he was always there for me.
I sighed, "Yeah, I know," I lied. When it came to Scott, I always lied. I lied about how much I liked him: I loved him. I even lied about where I was going sometimes: when he wanted to see me. And soon, I turned out to be another person. I turned out to be someone I wasn't proud of: I smoked and drank every other Friday. I knew this wasn't right, but since I've been this way, he has suddenly started to take interest in me so I didn't stop.   But, when I came home that night, I broke up with him over a text. I just couldn't do it in person. At this point, I felt so heartbroken, until I actually went through the next day at school. Man, was that hard.
I came at school and my heart were just torn when I saw him with Christie. He didn't see me, until she looked into my direction. He walked up to me and looked angry.
"What's this?" He asked and held the text in front of my face.
"I'm sorry, Scott. It's just that you deserve better. I know you do."
"Yeah well, of course I do. I deserve so much better than a girl who can't even break up with me in person."
"I'm sorry."
"Stop, okay. Just stop saying something you don't mean. You and I both know this is bullshit. I didn't want you back then and now, you're trying to get me back."
"What?" I was so confused.
"Just tell me something, Allison. Was all of it a lie or just the part when you said you loved me?"
I couldn't answer him, I didn't know how to tell him that this was hard for me too or that I would probably never love someone as much as I loved him.
"You know what?" he said, "I don't give a fuck anymore. Do what you want and I'll do what I want."
And then, he turned around and walked away from me. And as he was out of sight, I broke down and cried and cried. I skipped the whole day and went and sat at the bleachers. I smoked a sigarette and phoned Sophie.
"Hey," she answered, "how you holding up?"
"Uhm," I replied through tears, "he was really angry and made assumptions."
"Oh no, he didn't. Should I come and get you?" I knew she would go talk to him so I just said: "no, I'm fine. I think I gotta go."
"Okay, Sissy. See you later, hey?"
"Okay," I hung up the phone and heard voices. I stood up and ran to the closest hiding place.
"So she just left you?" I heard a girl's voice.
"Yeah. But come here, honey. I'm with you now." It was him, it was Scott. He was talking to the girl who wanted him when him and I started dating: Diane. She threatened me so much because I 'stole her man'. But later, it looked like she was over it. Apparently she wasn't and now she had him again. I couldn't believe he just moved on like that. This must be what he meant by saying: "do what you want and I'll do what I want." I loved him so much, I wanted him and Christie to be together. If only he knew she was the one for him, anyone who saw them together  could tell him that and I think he also knew it. But yet, he just went to her, the girl he wasn't interested in. And then I realised it, he wasn't interested in me either until that night. Did a girl break up with him then, too? Were he seriously just using me as another rebound like he's doing with Cloe now?  My heart sank in my chest and I never felt so sad in my life. I knew I was nothing to him, while he was my world.