Always Out of Reach

James

"Time to wake up Joey!" My dad says way too enthusiastically. Why does he always insist on doing that? Waking me up with his undermining voice at stupid o'clock in the morning. Doesn't he know it's Saturday and you're supposed to lie in? I groaned.

"What? You can't just lay in bed all day Joey. You have to do stuff you know? Instead of spending endless hours on screens." He rolled his eyes.
Why does he always make me feel like a waste of space?

I dragged myself out of bed and to the bathroom. Sometimes I'd just lock myself in there and sit on my phone. I couldn't stand to stay in my bedroom; I shared it with Jet and he was so messy....it stressed me out so much. Sure, I love Jet but sometimes he can be slightly irritating.

"Remember we're meeting James today." My dad's voice always seemed to mock me. I hated it.

"Hmm." I can never be bothered to start a conversation with him. You can't really have a conversation with him. If you disagree with him in the slightest way he'll always make you feel bad. He talks at you not to you. He's right, everyone else is wrong. That's the way he sees the world.

I sit at my desk for the next 2 hours scrolling through social media and doodling in my notebook. I love art. You often hear people talk about mindfulness and therapy and art is exactly that. There are no rules. You can tune out from the chaos that is life and do whatever you want.

I stare at the art. In a way, it saddens me to see the work I've produced. When I was little I would sit there with the paints in front of me, always going for the bright reds and yellows. Now the paper is dark, blacks and whites are the only colours.

"Joey, James is here." My heart sinks. Here goes nothing I suppose.
I walk slowly into the living room. My dad stands on the other side of the room. "Smile" He mimes at me. And, me being the weak person I am, obey his command. I force the grin on my face. Smiles can hide everything.

All my dad wants is a good show. He doesn't care about how we're feeling inside. As long as on the outside and to everyone else we look happy, then life is perfect.

James was a tall and lanky 24 year old. He had long, dark hair which sweeped across his face covering one of his eyes.

"Hi." He looked kind of on edge. His shoulders are hunched like he's a 5 year old being told off by the teacher in school.

"Hi." I say back, trying to sound enthusiastic but not really succeeding.

"Right me and Venessa are going out to the shop so we'll leave you two to get to know each other."

Great. Now I was stuck with an awkward stranger. This was going to be fun.

"So....how's school at the minute Joey?" To my surprise he started the conversation.

"Oh you know, it's alright.  Not the worst thing in the world but not the best." I laughed. And that's how it was for the next half and hour. James was nothing like Venessa. He was easy to talk to and so kind. I found out he was gay and had a boyfriend, that he worked in a pet shop and that he lived with one of his friends. I told him that I, also, was gay, that I was into art and drama but I couldn't talk about dad. Anytime he brought him up, I changed the subject. I wasn't ready to talk to anyone about how my dad treated me, especially not somebody I'd just met.

Maybe eventually I could tell James, he was nice and could listen. Maybe now I wouldn't be so alone. Maybe I finally had some sort of friend.

Authors note:

Let me know what you think x
Thanks for reading
Erin xx