Always Out of Reach

I'm Pathetic

It was just one of those days. I always have them. Usually after something good happens or things start to look up. I woke up and guilt hit me right in the gut. I shouldn't be allowed to have fun, to be even a little bit happy. My dad told me often enough that I was a waste of space. Wastes of space don't deserve happiness.

"He's being selfish! Moping around all day." I heard my dad complaining about me to Venessa. "He's pathetic." And Venessa agreed....like she does with everything he says.

I still didn't move. I just lay there, all day drowning in self-pity. Thinking about everything: I missed connor, my brother was getting irritating, my sister was always teasing me, my dad hated me and my mum had a new boyfriend. Would anything ever go right?

At 3 o'clock I finally had to drag myself out of bed because I was going back to my mum's (thank God!). I checked my phone and found I had a message from James.

Hey Joey,  I was nice to meet you. Hope to see you soon.

Sure. Sure he "hoped to see me soon". Who could want to see me? I'm miserable.

The whole journey to my mum's was silent. I didn't mind. The very sound of my dad's voice made me shudder. Knowing that,lurking behind that charming exterior, he was a monster.

As soon as I enter my mum's house I feel the weight being lifted off my shoulders. The fear of doing something to anger my dad dissappears....but the sadness stays.

I go up to my room and cry. I always do this. When I get back from my mum's house I'm overwhelmed. It takes so much energy to simply get through the days and when I'm at my mums I can relax. I cry for about half and hour. Until my eyes are puffy and swollen and I am slumped against my wall shaking.

A few moments later I hear a knock on my door.
"Joey?" It's my mum.

I dont answer

"Joey can i come in?" She says softly

I grunt a hoarse yes.

"What's wrong Joey? Jet tells me you haven't done anything all day.... you're scaring him."

A pang of guilt hits me...I dont want to scare jet.

"I'm fine." I say. Nobody wants to hear about my petty feeling so why should I share them? Nobody cares.

"You're clearly not fine." She gestures to my hopeless self.

A tear trickles down my face.

"Oh Joey." She reaches out her hand to touch me and I flinch away.....I dont like people touching me.

"Is it something I've done?"

In my head I'm thinking. "Yes, you got a new boyfriend." But in reality I know that's stupid so I just say: "No. "

"You can't go on like this Joey. It's not healthy, we need to get to the bottom of what is causing this. Maybe you should see a counsell-"

"No!" I cut her off, my eyes filling with fear. The thought of sitting in a room with a stranger pouring out my feelings makes me want to curl up in a ball. Nobody wants to know how i feel. Why would they? I'm pathetic. That's what my dad said.

Authors note

Sorry for the depressing chapter....
And there will be more of Daniel in it I promise!

Thanks for reading
Erin xx