I went to college the next morning by myself. I sent you a message that I was going earlier than usual and wouldn't be there, where we usually meet. Maybe it was the wrong decision. I'm still not sure. When I went into class, I went in on a completely empty stomach having not eaten for almost two days. I sat down at my seat and rested my head on my desk as I waited for you. I then heard your voice. My ears pricked up and I glanced to see you. But my heart hurt when I saw you with her. I could feel my eyes sting as I stared at you, but I kept blinking to keep the tears at bay.
You spotted me and walked over to me, with her. I looked up at you and you smiled down on me.
"Youngjae, I'd like you to meet my girlfriend." I didn't hear her name. Or I just forgot it and couldn't care, I'm not sure. What I am sure of was that I couldn't breathe when I heard you say the word and give it to her. She smiled at me though, she greeted me. I tried to speak but no words came out. I felt a lump form at the back of my throat and it hurt. My eyes were beginning to hurt too as I tried to keep the tears back. So instead I smiled. Or tried to.
You said goodbye to her, but she kissed your cheek before she left. I saw the entire exchange in front of me and felt bile rise in my throat. You took the seat next to me and immediately, the two sitting in front turned around and began chatting to you. You didn't say anything to me. Sitting next to you, being close to you, seeing you happy while half ignoring me. It hurt. I could feel my eyes brimming with tears. I couldn't hold it in any longer.
Instead, I stood up and ran out of the classroom without a word towards the bathroom. I stood in front of the mirror, glad it was empty and began to feel the tears roll down my face, feel the sick feeling in my stomach and the dry feeling in my mouth. It took me several minutes before I calmed down, but my eyes were bloodshot and my face was puffy. I was terrified to go back to class.
You hadn't come to me in the bathroom, I didn't expect you to. You didn't even know I went there so how could I expect you to? So instead I headed back to class, worried more than before. I couldn't handle being so close to you, it suffocated me. When I went back to the classroom you were still sitting in your seat. I took my seat next to you, but kept my eyes focused elsewhere. I didn't want to look at you. I knew that if I did it would break my heart.
But what made it worse? You never asked me where I went. You never spared a glance for me. You never asked if I was okay.
YOU ARE READING
My Secret Letters to You ➟ 2Jae
Hayran Kurgu❝There's not a single day I regret meeting you.❞ Through the many years Youngjae has been with Jaebum, he wrote letters which he kept inside a book. These letters contained Youngjae's most private thoughts and emotions. Now he has left the book behi...