Ruin Me

18. Share me

"Now let's practise your poker face," mom slid the cards across the table towards me.

I scooped them up, they were the worst cards you could possibly have, I felt my face slip already before I could stop it.

"Oops," I shook my head and glanced up at mom embarrassed, she had a slight smile on her lips though.

"Now when you get a bad hand Cara you can choose one of three options, number one you bluff, you pretend you have a brilliant hand, you smile like you've just been handed a royal flush. Option two, you do a double bluff, act really disappointed so that they think you're bluffing and that you have a good hand. But both of those can be risky, opponents are often good at reading faces so your best option is number three, the poker face. You have to perfect the look where you reveal nothing. Now let's try again," mum shuffled her pack and dealt me several random cards.

I picked them up and tried to keep my face utterly unbothered about the cards in my hand. Then I glanced back at mom desperate for her approval.

"How was that?"

"Your eyes Cara," mum shook her head slightly and I felt my heart sink to my stomach, "I can read everything you're seeing in your eyes."

"Let me go again," I demanded, I wanted to make her proud.

"Okay," another shadow of a smile appeared in the corners of her mouth. She dealt me another hand, "remember to remain expressionless."

"I will," I agreed solemnly. When I picked up another hand I forced myself to keep my whole face completely blank.

"You're trying too hard now, it's obvious you're trying to hide something, make it seem natural," mum kept her voice gentle but I could hear her disappointment. She'd hoped I'd be a natural like her, she could try to hide it but I knew it. My heart sank to my toes.

"Again," I instructed.

We kept it up all night, her dealing me cards, me keeping my face blank and unreadable, her correcting me and my heart sinking further and further into the ground. Even when mom called my poker face 'sufficient' at 4am I insisted that we had to continue until I properly perfected it.

I didn't want to be a card player, I didn't care about the poker face one bit, all I wanted was for her to smile at me in the way that made you feel like the most special person in the world.

Eventually I did get that smile that could bring my heart up from its lodgings in the centre of the earth back to my heart. And along with it I achieved the perfect poker face.

***

Apparently, I'd passed out in Mitch's arms in Ainsley's parking lot, though I no recollection of this. Apparently, the boys had taken me back in their car, for the second time in seven days. Apparently, they'd got me to my bed which I woke up in this morning oblivious to how I got there. I expected them to question me, it was inevitable and they deserved answers, but I was unable to give them.

My hands were tied in a tight knot over protecting them or alienating them. If I told them I was putting them in eminent danger because now I knew he was having someone tail me there was no way he wouldn't find out, he always did. But if I didn't tell them I risked losing them, having to always keep an eye on me was going to get old soon. I was a burden for them and I knew it even if they didn't.

So I laid on my poker face as they settled themselves around my room. Mitchell on my desk chair, Nico on the floor with his legs stretched out, Sawyer sat against the wall knees tucked up to his chest and Grey leaning his back on the door arms crossed tightly. All their faces held the similar expressions of concern laced with confusion. I sat on my bed surveying them feeling like the offender in a court case.